Flames, pain, and fury - read at your own risk
Hello, blogland. Thank you for bearing with me while I attempted to get my thoughts in order.
Here we go.
I'm not completely sure of everything I want to say about the current thing that's been making me feel like vomiting. No, it is NOT the same thing as the thing that was making me want to rip people's hair out the other night; that was a totally different matter, a private matter pertaining to someone I know. But I was ripping hair out over that matter way before I found out about this article in New York Magazine.
First of all, the subtitle "Do The Orthodox Jews Have A Catholic-Priest Problem?" is revolting, obscene, and worthy of a supermarket rag. "Catholic-priest problem." How infantile. Leave it to a distinguished publication (HA!!) like New York Magazine to say something like that. The Catholic Church should sue or something. If I were a priest (CHECKLIST!!) (and yes, I realize my not being Catholic or male (CHECKLIST!!) would present a few obstacles to that), I would sure as heck want to sue.
So the article is sort of about a problem of individuals who purport to be Orthodox rabbis engaging in sexual abuse of children/teens, and the inexplicable, despicable phenomenon of people in power brushing the victims off when they seek help, and then covering up the allegations, and allowing the accused to continue to have access to children.
*calming breath*
So it's sort of about this problem in general, but it focuses mainly on the alleged behavior of one such individual by the name of Yehuda Kolko, who spent decades (decades!) as a teacher at Yeshivat Torah Temimah in Brooklyn, and has been on PAID LEAVE (*deep breath*) since the story hit the press. Kolko, apparently, managed somehow to retain his position as teacher - for DECADES - despite allegations that surfaced periodically - over decades - and of which the head of school, Lipa Margulies, was completely aware.
*several calming breaths*
I just don't understand what goes through people's heads sometimes.
First of all, don't waste your time, or mine, telling me that I don't know if the allegations are true. You're right; I don't know if they're true. I also don't know if it's true that the Jews left Egypt after generations of slavery. You know why I don't know if either of these things are true? Because I wasn't there.
If one child comes to me and tells me he's been fondled by an adult, I don't know if it's true, and I will sure as hell investigate myself into oblivion before I draw any conclusions. And of course, investigating myself into oblivion doesn't allow me to "know," either. Absent a videotape that can be proven not to have been doctored, all the investigations in the world will still not allow me to know. I will never "know." Because I wasn't there. That's the unfortunate reality of human beings attempting to hold other human beings accountable for improper or illegal behavior. That's the unfortunate reality of any justice system, anywhere on this planet. A justice system is fallible, because human beings are fallible, and only the people who were there will ever really "know" who, if anyone, is telling the truth.
So, as I was saying. If one child came to me and accused one adult, I would reserve judgment and would hopefully not be prejudiced in favor of either party until further evidence was brought to light. But let's say several children came to me. Let's say these are children who have never met each other; children who are generally not psychotic and don't stand to gain much by lying; let's say these children describe similar, but not identical, incidents of behavior by that same adult; let's say these incidents are supposed to have taken place over a long period of time, in different locations and under different circumstances; let's say these children don't know anything about each other's accusations, and yet the stories bear striking similarities; let's say that years later, I continue to receive similar stories from other people, in a pattern that continues unchanged; well, then, you know what? I still wasn't there, so I still don't know. But I'd be pretty damn confident, if all of that happened, that what we are dealing with here is a pedaphile and a sexual predator. It is far, far more likely that this person is a pedaphile than it is that ALL of these accusers, from different times and different places, accusers who don't know each other, happened to have made up, for whatever reason, almost precisely the same stories about the same person.
It is possible, of course. People do make up stories. People make up stories about abuse, people make up stories about robberies, and rapes, and assaults, and God only knows what else. But you know what? Most of the time, they don't.
So I believe that Yehuda Kolko is a pedaphile and a predator. And I believe that Margulies covered up Kolko's actions and ennabled him to continue. I believe there is enough evidence to conclude this even if they haven't yet been convicted in court. If I'm wrong, then perhaps I'm going to hell. But don't waste our time telling me that I shouldn't be saying this, that I shouldn't believe it, and that I shouldn't "assume" before it's been "proven." Because it can never be "proven," and I'm not assuming, I'm concluding. And you know what? You weren't there either.
OK. So.
Over the past several days I've been reading a lot of stuff, including following a reeeeeaaaaaally long comments thread on DovBear (comments to this post, but beware, reading all of them could take hours), and I've learned some of the details, not only of the abuse, but of the cover-ups - MULTIPLE cover-ups - that took place over the years.
I've learned, for example, that Margulies and Kolko managed, over the years, to stonewall various batei din (rabbinic courts, to which Jews are supposed to bring interpersonal disputes as a first course of action), and that they repeatedly engaged in intimidation, threats, and so forth of accusers and their families. And apparently there are dozens upon dozens of victims, and all of them were silenced, and none of them were listened to, and Kolko continued to teach. I've been reading this. And my mind has been churning with all sorts of stuff.
Part of me wants to write about how I'm going to kill Kolko, how I'm going to - well - never mind. I'll spare you the vivid images seething through my brain. But the truth is that I almost don't blame Kolko for his behavior. ALMOST. I do blame him, thoroughly. But I can't help almost feeling sorry for him at the same time, at least on some level.
I don't know that much about the psychology of pedaphiles, but I'm pretty sure they are seriously ill. By "pedaphile," I don't mean someone who has necessarily acted on their urges; I mean someone who is sexually attracted to children, consumingly and overwhelmingly so. This person has an illness, if I'm not mistaken, one that's outrageously difficult to treat. Now, many pedaphiles may ALSO be evil, depraved monsters, but they don't have to be. Being a pedaphile in itself doesn't make a person evil and depraved. Molesting children, in the opinion of this fallible human being, does make a person evil and depraved. But I would imagine that it's also possible for a non-evil, non-depraved, good person to suffer from overwhelming sexual attraction to children. They have it in their capacity to control their behavior; nothing and nobody forces a pedaphile to become a predator. But I'm fairly certain that people with this illness have extraordinary difficulty keeping themselves at bay.
I don't know. I realize there's no excuse for them to act on their impulses. But I personally find the whole disease tragic, much more so than other deviant sexual urges. First of all, because supposedly the urge is worse than others, is uncommonly powerful and overwhelming, and it tends to become obsessive and incapacitating. That's what I've read, anyway, and that totally sucks. But I also believe it's worse because acting on this one would not only be bizarre, like the person I read about who felt sexually attracted to men's public bathrooms, and it would not only be immoral, like having consensual sex with your adult sibling. Acting on this one would be evil. There is no such thing as a child consenting to such a thing, because a child does not have the capacity to consent to such a thing, so by definition if you act on it you are a rapist, a molester, and you are evil.
So I find it tragic, that a person would have to live with himself like that. Can you imagine living with something like that? Can you imagine trying to seek help for something like that? Forget seeking help; imagine just trying to summon the courage to admit it, even to yourself. If people in this society are so horrified and ashamed to admit that they might be gay, can you imagine a person, a person who is otherwise a fully "normal," functioning, compassionate member of the human race; can you imagine such a person trying to come to grips with the fact that he is uncontrollably attracted to children??? What's more, children of the same sex??? Knowing full well what the world would think of him if they ever found out, and knowing full well that to act upon it would be evil and depraved?? If you constantly obsess about doing something that is evil and depraved, well, it's not such a far leap to start feeling pretty evil and depraved yourself, even if you have never acted on it. If such a person did not already happen to be evil and depraved, can you imagine the self-hatred he would feel, not to mention the levels of denial?? I sure as hell can't.
I don't know why Hashem would present such challenges to a person, any person, evil OR good. I don't know why Hashem does a lot of things. And I also don't know whether Yehuda Kolko's despicable actions are a case of an evil bastard behaving like an evil bastard, or a case of a formerly good guy with insurmountable problems turning himself into an evil bastard. And if it's the second thing, well, then he's a victim too, a victim of himself, and he has to pay the consequences not only for what he did to all those children, but he has to pay the consequences for destroying his own soul.
GAAAAH. I hate this. Too many things churning in my mind. I want to kill a man because he's evil and sick, and I feel sorry for him because he's evil and sick. What's wrong with me, anyway? Do I have to feel sorry for everybody? Some things are black and white, you know. Molesting children is black and white. I feel I'm supposed to unreservedly hate this man. But I can't. I can only reservedly hate him, but I do so with every fiber of my being. And that doesn't even make sense. I wish I knew for sure what was in his mind when he did what he did. I would still want to kill him, in a slow, painful, highly graphic manner, but at least I would know for sure whether or not I should mourn for him after I did.
*squeeze eyes shut and shake head like wet dog*
OK (no, not ok, but I'm trying to clear my head). So. Kolko is a pedaphile and a predator and he belongs in prison, and the whole thing is horrible, and it sucks. It SUCKS.
But here's the part I don't understand even more than I don't understand pedaphilia.
I don't understand Lipa Margulies and his ilk. Here we have someone who it's impossible to feel sorry for. A person who, apparently, is a through-and-through evil bastard piece of s.
I will never understand evil bastard pieces of s., never understand people who threaten and intimidate and who seem to get off on people's fear and victimization. He's evil, he's a criminal, and he belongs in prison as much, if not more so, than Kolko. Him, I want to kill. Him, I will not mourn. And I would call upon every member of the Jewish nation to join me in spitting on his grave.
(that's a little extreme, isn't it... oh for the love of God, now I'm doubting myself about this too... I mean, it's not for me to decide who's evil, is it? or is it? help....)
But here's the part that I understand the absolute, positive, least of all. And I hereby give everyone fair warning that I'm about to embark upon a screaming rampage, so if you don't want to read one, go away.
*deep breath*
*pause*
I don't understand us. I don't understand myself. I don't understand apathy, and complacency, and cowardice. I don't understand the Jewish people.
I don't understand how this was allowed to continue.
I don't understand how regular people in the community allowed this to continue.
I don't understand how so-called "leaders" of the Jewish community allowed this to continue.
What I don't understand, so help me God, is why somebody didn't CALL THE POLICE. Someone, somewhere, at some point. Screw going to a beit din. By all means, first, go to a beit din. But that was tried in this case, and the beit din was not working. The beit din stalled and fumbled. The beit din was not functional. And it should not have taken months of not getting a response from the beit din for the people involved to realize that the beit din was not functional. You know why? Because what you do in this situation is as follows:
YOU CALL THE POLICE.
So that's what the beit din should have done. And when the beit din didn't, somebody else should have.
I realize that the halachik issues of mesirah (handing a fellow Jew over to the non-Jewish authorities) are extremely, extremely complex. And PLEASE don't start posting about those halachot here. The sources are innumerable, there have been articles and teshuvot written for centuries, and whatever anybody says, it is not a simple matter, and we are NOT going to clear it all up in a comments section on a blog. Even if the halachot seem clear-cut to you, they are NOT clear-cut to everybody, and that IS completely legitimate. That, I understand, and I fully adhere to that notion. The NOTION. But what I do not understand is why, and how, so many people are so thoroughly immobilized by the notion of mesirah, or worse, by some perverted and incorrect understanding of lashon hara, that they would allow a child molester - a CHILD MOLESTER!! - to remain free.
Nowhere do the halachot of mesirah state that mesirah is more serious and more important than protecting children from a sexual predator. This was a far more serious matter than mesirah. The halachot of mesirah may not be clear-cut, but some things ARE clear-cut, and protecting children from a sexual predator is one of them.
HELLO?!?!?
I feel like I'm banging on an empty tin can here. "Hello! Hello! Anybody in there?!?!" Because for my life, I cannot understand how this is not clear cut and obvious, to everybody.
Child.
Molester.
Adult.
Fondling.
Boys.
Which word do we not understand???
How DARE the beit din not call the police. And how dare anybody who knew about the allegations not call the police. AND HOW DARE ANYBODY DISTORT AND HIDE BEHIND THE TORAH AND THE HALACHA AS THEIR JUSTIFICATION FOR NOT CALLING THE POLICE.
Follow the halacha and call a beit din or a halachic authority first. And if the halachic authority is too much of a blind and castrated wimp and coward to call the police himself, or to tell you to do so, then YOU DO IT YOURSELF.
IMMEDIATELY.
If you don't, you are an enabler, a coward, a distorter of halacha and the Torah, an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and a failure to our children. But you, yourself, are none of these things in comparison to the halachic authority who didn't take action himself. His obligation is ten times greater than your own. Because he is in a position of leadership, power, and influence, and people depend on him and look to him for guidance, and he knows that, or at least he should. So the failure and the obligation is on his head a thousandfold.
Shame on our leaders, of every denomination, who have ever allowed a thing like this to occur or to continue. Shame on ourselves. Shame on anyone who thinks some distorted, watered-down version of lashon hara, mesirah, and malbin pnei chaverio b'rabim (sorry for the transliteration, not in the mood to type Hebrew) somehow trump pikuach nefesh/lo ta'amod, chilul Hashem, v'asita hayashar v'hatov, and the gazillion other things I can think of off the top of my head.
Shame on the system we've somehow put in place that allows anyone to grow up thinking this way. Shame on anyone who waves a banner of Torah and righteousness as they actively place our children in harm's way, and as they enable a dangerous, monstrous criminal to go free. And shame on anyone who has the unspeakable gall to condemn those who understand their religious and moral obligations well enough to do something about it.
I will never understand this. This is blindness, arrogance, and madness. This is a defamation of Judaism, a defamation of the Torah, an insurmountable chillul Hashem, and anyone and everyone who has ever said or thought any of these things is an embarrassment to Judaism, an embarrassment and a danger to our people, and should take it upon themselves to do some serious cheshbon hanefesh (introspection) (sort of), starting right now.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be anonymous. I wish I could post details about my husband's background here. Because he agrees with me (about this, anyway), and I know it would make a difference to at least some people if they knew that my husband happens to be a tremendous talmid chacham, that he's quite highly respected, and that he very likely knows more Torah than - well - a lot of people. But I don't expect you to believe me when I say that, because I can't give you a name.
People, we can't allow this kind of thing to go on. It's a travesty and a horror and an incredible failure that it went on. We must find the parts of ourselves that allowed it to go on, and we must do everything in our power to wash those places clean.
I have more to say on these and related matters, but I think I'm done for now. I just wish I had a better sense of where to go from here.
Here we go.
I'm not completely sure of everything I want to say about the current thing that's been making me feel like vomiting. No, it is NOT the same thing as the thing that was making me want to rip people's hair out the other night; that was a totally different matter, a private matter pertaining to someone I know. But I was ripping hair out over that matter way before I found out about this article in New York Magazine.
First of all, the subtitle "Do The Orthodox Jews Have A Catholic-Priest Problem?" is revolting, obscene, and worthy of a supermarket rag. "Catholic-priest problem." How infantile. Leave it to a distinguished publication (HA!!) like New York Magazine to say something like that. The Catholic Church should sue or something. If I were a priest (CHECKLIST!!) (and yes, I realize my not being Catholic or male (CHECKLIST!!) would present a few obstacles to that), I would sure as heck want to sue.
So the article is sort of about a problem of individuals who purport to be Orthodox rabbis engaging in sexual abuse of children/teens, and the inexplicable, despicable phenomenon of people in power brushing the victims off when they seek help, and then covering up the allegations, and allowing the accused to continue to have access to children.
*calming breath*
So it's sort of about this problem in general, but it focuses mainly on the alleged behavior of one such individual by the name of Yehuda Kolko, who spent decades (decades!) as a teacher at Yeshivat Torah Temimah in Brooklyn, and has been on PAID LEAVE (*deep breath*) since the story hit the press. Kolko, apparently, managed somehow to retain his position as teacher - for DECADES - despite allegations that surfaced periodically - over decades - and of which the head of school, Lipa Margulies, was completely aware.
*several calming breaths*
I just don't understand what goes through people's heads sometimes.
First of all, don't waste your time, or mine, telling me that I don't know if the allegations are true. You're right; I don't know if they're true. I also don't know if it's true that the Jews left Egypt after generations of slavery. You know why I don't know if either of these things are true? Because I wasn't there.
If one child comes to me and tells me he's been fondled by an adult, I don't know if it's true, and I will sure as hell investigate myself into oblivion before I draw any conclusions. And of course, investigating myself into oblivion doesn't allow me to "know," either. Absent a videotape that can be proven not to have been doctored, all the investigations in the world will still not allow me to know. I will never "know." Because I wasn't there. That's the unfortunate reality of human beings attempting to hold other human beings accountable for improper or illegal behavior. That's the unfortunate reality of any justice system, anywhere on this planet. A justice system is fallible, because human beings are fallible, and only the people who were there will ever really "know" who, if anyone, is telling the truth.
So, as I was saying. If one child came to me and accused one adult, I would reserve judgment and would hopefully not be prejudiced in favor of either party until further evidence was brought to light. But let's say several children came to me. Let's say these are children who have never met each other; children who are generally not psychotic and don't stand to gain much by lying; let's say these children describe similar, but not identical, incidents of behavior by that same adult; let's say these incidents are supposed to have taken place over a long period of time, in different locations and under different circumstances; let's say these children don't know anything about each other's accusations, and yet the stories bear striking similarities; let's say that years later, I continue to receive similar stories from other people, in a pattern that continues unchanged; well, then, you know what? I still wasn't there, so I still don't know. But I'd be pretty damn confident, if all of that happened, that what we are dealing with here is a pedaphile and a sexual predator. It is far, far more likely that this person is a pedaphile than it is that ALL of these accusers, from different times and different places, accusers who don't know each other, happened to have made up, for whatever reason, almost precisely the same stories about the same person.
It is possible, of course. People do make up stories. People make up stories about abuse, people make up stories about robberies, and rapes, and assaults, and God only knows what else. But you know what? Most of the time, they don't.
So I believe that Yehuda Kolko is a pedaphile and a predator. And I believe that Margulies covered up Kolko's actions and ennabled him to continue. I believe there is enough evidence to conclude this even if they haven't yet been convicted in court. If I'm wrong, then perhaps I'm going to hell. But don't waste our time telling me that I shouldn't be saying this, that I shouldn't believe it, and that I shouldn't "assume" before it's been "proven." Because it can never be "proven," and I'm not assuming, I'm concluding. And you know what? You weren't there either.
OK. So.
Over the past several days I've been reading a lot of stuff, including following a reeeeeaaaaaally long comments thread on DovBear (comments to this post, but beware, reading all of them could take hours), and I've learned some of the details, not only of the abuse, but of the cover-ups - MULTIPLE cover-ups - that took place over the years.
I've learned, for example, that Margulies and Kolko managed, over the years, to stonewall various batei din (rabbinic courts, to which Jews are supposed to bring interpersonal disputes as a first course of action), and that they repeatedly engaged in intimidation, threats, and so forth of accusers and their families. And apparently there are dozens upon dozens of victims, and all of them were silenced, and none of them were listened to, and Kolko continued to teach. I've been reading this. And my mind has been churning with all sorts of stuff.
Part of me wants to write about how I'm going to kill Kolko, how I'm going to - well - never mind. I'll spare you the vivid images seething through my brain. But the truth is that I almost don't blame Kolko for his behavior. ALMOST. I do blame him, thoroughly. But I can't help almost feeling sorry for him at the same time, at least on some level.
I don't know that much about the psychology of pedaphiles, but I'm pretty sure they are seriously ill. By "pedaphile," I don't mean someone who has necessarily acted on their urges; I mean someone who is sexually attracted to children, consumingly and overwhelmingly so. This person has an illness, if I'm not mistaken, one that's outrageously difficult to treat. Now, many pedaphiles may ALSO be evil, depraved monsters, but they don't have to be. Being a pedaphile in itself doesn't make a person evil and depraved. Molesting children, in the opinion of this fallible human being, does make a person evil and depraved. But I would imagine that it's also possible for a non-evil, non-depraved, good person to suffer from overwhelming sexual attraction to children. They have it in their capacity to control their behavior; nothing and nobody forces a pedaphile to become a predator. But I'm fairly certain that people with this illness have extraordinary difficulty keeping themselves at bay.
I don't know. I realize there's no excuse for them to act on their impulses. But I personally find the whole disease tragic, much more so than other deviant sexual urges. First of all, because supposedly the urge is worse than others, is uncommonly powerful and overwhelming, and it tends to become obsessive and incapacitating. That's what I've read, anyway, and that totally sucks. But I also believe it's worse because acting on this one would not only be bizarre, like the person I read about who felt sexually attracted to men's public bathrooms, and it would not only be immoral, like having consensual sex with your adult sibling. Acting on this one would be evil. There is no such thing as a child consenting to such a thing, because a child does not have the capacity to consent to such a thing, so by definition if you act on it you are a rapist, a molester, and you are evil.
So I find it tragic, that a person would have to live with himself like that. Can you imagine living with something like that? Can you imagine trying to seek help for something like that? Forget seeking help; imagine just trying to summon the courage to admit it, even to yourself. If people in this society are so horrified and ashamed to admit that they might be gay, can you imagine a person, a person who is otherwise a fully "normal," functioning, compassionate member of the human race; can you imagine such a person trying to come to grips with the fact that he is uncontrollably attracted to children??? What's more, children of the same sex??? Knowing full well what the world would think of him if they ever found out, and knowing full well that to act upon it would be evil and depraved?? If you constantly obsess about doing something that is evil and depraved, well, it's not such a far leap to start feeling pretty evil and depraved yourself, even if you have never acted on it. If such a person did not already happen to be evil and depraved, can you imagine the self-hatred he would feel, not to mention the levels of denial?? I sure as hell can't.
I don't know why Hashem would present such challenges to a person, any person, evil OR good. I don't know why Hashem does a lot of things. And I also don't know whether Yehuda Kolko's despicable actions are a case of an evil bastard behaving like an evil bastard, or a case of a formerly good guy with insurmountable problems turning himself into an evil bastard. And if it's the second thing, well, then he's a victim too, a victim of himself, and he has to pay the consequences not only for what he did to all those children, but he has to pay the consequences for destroying his own soul.
GAAAAH. I hate this. Too many things churning in my mind. I want to kill a man because he's evil and sick, and I feel sorry for him because he's evil and sick. What's wrong with me, anyway? Do I have to feel sorry for everybody? Some things are black and white, you know. Molesting children is black and white. I feel I'm supposed to unreservedly hate this man. But I can't. I can only reservedly hate him, but I do so with every fiber of my being. And that doesn't even make sense. I wish I knew for sure what was in his mind when he did what he did. I would still want to kill him, in a slow, painful, highly graphic manner, but at least I would know for sure whether or not I should mourn for him after I did.
*squeeze eyes shut and shake head like wet dog*
OK (no, not ok, but I'm trying to clear my head). So. Kolko is a pedaphile and a predator and he belongs in prison, and the whole thing is horrible, and it sucks. It SUCKS.
But here's the part I don't understand even more than I don't understand pedaphilia.
I don't understand Lipa Margulies and his ilk. Here we have someone who it's impossible to feel sorry for. A person who, apparently, is a through-and-through evil bastard piece of s.
I will never understand evil bastard pieces of s., never understand people who threaten and intimidate and who seem to get off on people's fear and victimization. He's evil, he's a criminal, and he belongs in prison as much, if not more so, than Kolko. Him, I want to kill. Him, I will not mourn. And I would call upon every member of the Jewish nation to join me in spitting on his grave.
(that's a little extreme, isn't it... oh for the love of God, now I'm doubting myself about this too... I mean, it's not for me to decide who's evil, is it? or is it? help....)
But here's the part that I understand the absolute, positive, least of all. And I hereby give everyone fair warning that I'm about to embark upon a screaming rampage, so if you don't want to read one, go away.
*deep breath*
*pause*
I don't understand us. I don't understand myself. I don't understand apathy, and complacency, and cowardice. I don't understand the Jewish people.
I don't understand how this was allowed to continue.
I don't understand how regular people in the community allowed this to continue.
I don't understand how so-called "leaders" of the Jewish community allowed this to continue.
What I don't understand, so help me God, is why somebody didn't CALL THE POLICE. Someone, somewhere, at some point. Screw going to a beit din. By all means, first, go to a beit din. But that was tried in this case, and the beit din was not working. The beit din stalled and fumbled. The beit din was not functional. And it should not have taken months of not getting a response from the beit din for the people involved to realize that the beit din was not functional. You know why? Because what you do in this situation is as follows:
YOU CALL THE POLICE.
So that's what the beit din should have done. And when the beit din didn't, somebody else should have.
I realize that the halachik issues of mesirah (handing a fellow Jew over to the non-Jewish authorities) are extremely, extremely complex. And PLEASE don't start posting about those halachot here. The sources are innumerable, there have been articles and teshuvot written for centuries, and whatever anybody says, it is not a simple matter, and we are NOT going to clear it all up in a comments section on a blog. Even if the halachot seem clear-cut to you, they are NOT clear-cut to everybody, and that IS completely legitimate. That, I understand, and I fully adhere to that notion. The NOTION. But what I do not understand is why, and how, so many people are so thoroughly immobilized by the notion of mesirah, or worse, by some perverted and incorrect understanding of lashon hara, that they would allow a child molester - a CHILD MOLESTER!! - to remain free.
Nowhere do the halachot of mesirah state that mesirah is more serious and more important than protecting children from a sexual predator. This was a far more serious matter than mesirah. The halachot of mesirah may not be clear-cut, but some things ARE clear-cut, and protecting children from a sexual predator is one of them.
HELLO?!?!?
I feel like I'm banging on an empty tin can here. "Hello! Hello! Anybody in there?!?!" Because for my life, I cannot understand how this is not clear cut and obvious, to everybody.
Child.
Molester.
Adult.
Fondling.
Boys.
Which word do we not understand???
How DARE the beit din not call the police. And how dare anybody who knew about the allegations not call the police. AND HOW DARE ANYBODY DISTORT AND HIDE BEHIND THE TORAH AND THE HALACHA AS THEIR JUSTIFICATION FOR NOT CALLING THE POLICE.
Follow the halacha and call a beit din or a halachic authority first. And if the halachic authority is too much of a blind and castrated wimp and coward to call the police himself, or to tell you to do so, then YOU DO IT YOURSELF.
IMMEDIATELY.
If you don't, you are an enabler, a coward, a distorter of halacha and the Torah, an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and a failure to our children. But you, yourself, are none of these things in comparison to the halachic authority who didn't take action himself. His obligation is ten times greater than your own. Because he is in a position of leadership, power, and influence, and people depend on him and look to him for guidance, and he knows that, or at least he should. So the failure and the obligation is on his head a thousandfold.
Shame on our leaders, of every denomination, who have ever allowed a thing like this to occur or to continue. Shame on ourselves. Shame on anyone who thinks some distorted, watered-down version of lashon hara, mesirah, and malbin pnei chaverio b'rabim (sorry for the transliteration, not in the mood to type Hebrew) somehow trump pikuach nefesh/lo ta'amod, chilul Hashem, v'asita hayashar v'hatov, and the gazillion other things I can think of off the top of my head.
Shame on the system we've somehow put in place that allows anyone to grow up thinking this way. Shame on anyone who waves a banner of Torah and righteousness as they actively place our children in harm's way, and as they enable a dangerous, monstrous criminal to go free. And shame on anyone who has the unspeakable gall to condemn those who understand their religious and moral obligations well enough to do something about it.
I will never understand this. This is blindness, arrogance, and madness. This is a defamation of Judaism, a defamation of the Torah, an insurmountable chillul Hashem, and anyone and everyone who has ever said or thought any of these things is an embarrassment to Judaism, an embarrassment and a danger to our people, and should take it upon themselves to do some serious cheshbon hanefesh (introspection) (sort of), starting right now.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be anonymous. I wish I could post details about my husband's background here. Because he agrees with me (about this, anyway), and I know it would make a difference to at least some people if they knew that my husband happens to be a tremendous talmid chacham, that he's quite highly respected, and that he very likely knows more Torah than - well - a lot of people. But I don't expect you to believe me when I say that, because I can't give you a name.
People, we can't allow this kind of thing to go on. It's a travesty and a horror and an incredible failure that it went on. We must find the parts of ourselves that allowed it to go on, and we must do everything in our power to wash those places clean.
I have more to say on these and related matters, but I think I'm done for now. I just wish I had a better sense of where to go from here.
Labels: Opinions
This entry was posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 at 5/18/2006 01:30:00 PM.
ByThanks, RenReb.
Bythanks.
Byyour loyal flock agrees :-)
(except i don't have nearly the loftyness of spirt you have to feel any reservation about hating kolko and margo. personaly i'd like both their heads stuck on a pike as a warning to all those to come.
אַךְ יְראוּ אֶת-יְהוָה, וַעֲבַדְתֶּם אֹתוֹ בֶּאֱמֶת--בְּכָל-לְבַבְכֶם:
ByOnly fear the LORD, and serve him in TRUTH with all your heart:
שמואל א פרק יב;כד
Let me start out by saying that I know one of the people molested over 30 years ago by Kolko. At that time there were allegations made against him - but the person who took it upon himself to try and get justice - also accused multiple Rabbeim in the Yeshiva of the same things. Of course when these were investigated - they were proved false -since they were not true of the other Rabbeim - and Rabbi Margeulis felt that just as these were untrue and there was a witch hunt on - then the allegations against Kolko must also be false. One fact about Rabbi Margeulis - he is the consumate business man - His Yeshiva is his life - if he really believed the allegations he would have done something about them. But since all those years ago - the allegations came with lies about the other Rabbeim - even though the ones about Kolko were true - it put doubt in his mind about the truth.
ByMost of the Rabbeim in the Yeshiva really did not believe the accusations - and I don't really believe that this has gone on much in the past 20 years. I am not excusing anything Kolko did - he is a true Rashah. But I also don't believe everything that is being said about Rabbi Margeulis.
Baruch Hashem Kolko is now out of the yeshiva.
and here you were, worried about substantive posts.
Bykol hakavod.
I know it wouldn't happen, but it would take care of the mesirah issue if he could be sent to Israel to do time.
ByI wonder if they to do pedophiles in Israeli jails what they do to pedophiles in American jails?
*jaw dropped in awe*
ByRenReb- you're not alone. Every Jewish mother in the world must be equally horrified.
ByCan I add something you left out? Where are all the parents who should be educating their children about the dangers of sexual predators? I blame all the same people you do, but at the same time, I also it's every parent's responsibility (not the schools' or community leaders') to make sure it never happens to their child-- so that if it does, the child knows how to respond.
It's time to let go of old notions of chilhood innocence, where we don't expose our kids to anything sex-related until it's applicable. First of all they find out by themselves much earlier than we'd like anyway through friends and pop culture, so may as well do it in an appropriate way, via parent-to-child talk. Second of all, it's worth "corrupting" a kid at a younger age with this unpleasant knowledge, if only to avoid the one in a million chance that the child will be Gd forbid exposed to abuse and not know what it is or that they should run and tell an adult.
Why didn't anyone call the police you ask? I remember this incident from my neighborhood as a child, and it still haunts me. If we are not a community, if we do not take responsibility for protecting or caring about those around us, if we stand by while our children's lifes are destroyed, what are we? It is one queston as to why God let this man become what he is, but WHY did He punish the children? It is the children (now adults) who will suffer forever. Why did no one stop him? There is no 'Catholic Priest Problem,' there is a society problem. There is a community problem. No, that is not a community. A community protects its own. They did not protect theirs. They DID NOT. How sad.
ByRenReb:
ByI don't understand how so-called "leaders" of the Jewish community allowed this to continue.
If our rabbanim do NOT call the police, and our rabbanim do NOT make a big issue out of sexual predators -- by informing the public (and instead, aid and abet in a coverup), and the rabbanim are OUR TEACHERS of Right and Wrong...THEN WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
If Rabbanim are supposed to be the examples of how a Jew is supposed to act; halachikally and morally, and yet, THEY do not publically say what you wrote in your posting (and I have yet to see or hear any Orthodox Rabbi scream your message loudly and coherently) - then how can you come and express blame, shock and dispair with the Jewish community?
If they are responsible for teaching the Jewish Community, if they are supposed to be the shining beacons of light for how a moral, upstanding and halachikly observant Orthodox Jew should behave...then they have failed the Jewish community...and worse, they failed themselves to Hashem, the Torah, their Smicha, and our Mesorah.
Why is your seriously excellent post on an anonymous blog, yet there are no rabbanim plastering this message across the internet?
Every Rav should scream this message to their community this coming shabbat at every minyan.
And if they don't, there's your answer why the Jewish community is silent, why the Jewish community covers things up, and why this awful plague continues year after year.
(And no, I don't hate Orthodox Rabbanim, I'm just very very disappointed)
I'm really shocked, I didn't know this was going on at all. I grew up Modern Orthodox and never even heard of anything like this.
ByDo any of the organizations -- like Eden that the article mentions -- looking for foster homes or shelter?
Excellent post, and I don't disagree with a word.
ByI'm sorry that it had to be written, but you wrote it well.
You.
ByGo.
Girl.
Love your post! Totally agree with you! Love your blog...never ever find mistakes but please its pedOphile not pedAphile i only say this cause you used that word so many times...
Bybefore blogs it was divide and conquer. i doubt each victim knew of others. each was intimidated into silence individually.
Bythere is a real problem of what happens now. the yeshiva is stonewalling. the community leaders and rabonim are silent. In the lawsuits Temimah will interpose a statute of limitations defense which in February (in a catholic priest case) was upheld by NY highest court, so the truth or lack thereof of the allegations will likely never be litigated in a court of law.
Love your post! Totally agree with you! Love your blog...never ever find mistakes but please its pedOphile not pedAphile i only say this cause you used that word so many times...
BySnort.
Those who can: Write.
Those who can't: Spell
(Ok, some do both)
I was in TT when the first din torah took place.
ByThere was never any reason for me to believe that Kolko was guilty, as I never saw or heard of him behaving inappropriately. The Word about the din torah outcome was that (of course) Kolko was innocent, it was just a couple of disgruntled fired staff members at Kolko's Camp MaNaVu who were looking to stir up trouble.
And if that was what the din torah said, then there was no reason to doubt it.
And then came Lanner, and I knew I could not trust the rabbis. Certainly about sexual molestation.
Until Lanner there was little reason to doubt the competence of the rabbis; after all, we trusted them for everything else.
But Lanner changed all that.
This being said, I still have no recollection of any inappropriate behavior on Kolko's part, and I was in TT for elementary and high school. Nor did anybody confide such behavior to me.
As far as the accusations go, there is only one named man. The rest are John Does, or hearsay. This does not add up to RR's multiple "children describ[ing] similar, but not identical, incidents of behavior."
All this being said, there is an awful lot of smoke here, and I do not know what to make of it.
I will wait and see what the court case turns up.
As far as Margolis goes, I can 'excuse' him in the way RR 'excuses' Kolko. He is a holocaust survivor, and part of a previous generation of mechanchim for whom his yeshiva is his life. He has done many many good things through his yeshiva, raising countless bnai torah.
I just don't think sexual molestation is on his map. Though of course it should be.
If Kolko and Margolis are guilty, then both should be severely censured and removed from contact with children, and in general lose any status in the community.
First things first, the RenReb is on target, and people MUST force themselves to act. (Kudos to Moishe Q. for pointing out the "Kitty Genovese" syndrome of big city living.) I'm going to add one qualifier here, quoting Anonymous at 2:41 PM:
By"[B]ut the person...also accused multiple Rabbeim in the Yeshiva of the same things...they were proved false -since they were not true of the other Rabbeim - and Rabbi Margeulis felt that just as these were untrue and there was a witch hunt on - then the allegations against Kolko must also be false."
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
Never, ever, EVER overstate your case because you think it can help you. EVER. It ALWAYS comes back to bite you. I cannot tell you how many defense lawyers have made hay impeaching a witness due to this, in fact we are taught specifically how to do this in Trial Advocacy class.
It's a bigger problem than you think. People think they have to exaggerate to get the community's attention, or a policeman's attention, or a grand jury's attention, and then they get on the stand and discover that (except for the occasional dumb-jury-horror story) juries are VERY good at smelling BS. Then the Defense walks through "what you said then and what you are saying now" and your side has LOST. We were told in Trial Ad numerous times to get to our witnesses early and tell them to either be rpecise or to shut up. Nothing kills a case faster than exaggeration, even exaggeration for a good cause. If I am not mistaken, the halachos of loshon hara also provide for this, stating that when loshon hara is to be spoken it is to be spoken in a precise manner as possible without any shading.
G-d forbid that you or someone you love should ever have to be involved in this, but if Chas V'Shalom you are, be VERY heedful of Anonymous at 2:41 PM's words.
To Annonymous 5:14 ... I was with you 100% until the end ... "If Kolko and Margolis are guilty, then both should be severely censured and removed from contact with children, and in general lose any status in the community." Sorry, pal, but if Kolko IS guilty, he should be emascultated and rot in a prison somewhere, or a hospital ward at the least. "Severely censured??? lose any status????" Sorry, that does not cut it, IF he is guilty.
ByWow. I tried to comment about this topic and I find myself speechless. RenReb, you rock.
ByNow that information about Mordechai Gafni is coming to light (coincidentally?) and the silence/blind support surrounding him is starting to drop, I wonder about why "we" keep silent. Is it that it is so hard for us to believe that a person is capable of hurting another human being in this way? Are we shocked into silence, as it were? If that's the case, we need to find a way to shock ourselves into speaking, instead. Aiding and abetting when the truth is known is unforgivable.
You know, I understand far too well. When we think we are so much morally better than others, when we are insulated geographically and also by our self-proclaimed superiority, we tend to do what it takes to protect the essence of the whole, not the individuals who make up the whole. As Jews, haven't we proved abundantly how prone to sticking our head in the sand we are when the subject is - unpleasant, distasteful?
ByIt is shameful, that's what it is. Profoundly shameful. The rapists and molesters are guilty, but so is everyone who enables it, and aren't they legion. I'm only surprised no one has accused the children of immodesty yet - but how could they? NOTHING happened.
renreb, brava.
Bylioness, didn't the article mention something about the fact that people couldn't talkk about it, therefore rerport it, because of modesty laws?
This is probably one of the two best posts on this subject that I've seen (the other been today's post by Jameel at the Muqata).
ByIndeed, multiple occurrences over a great length of time do almost certainly mean that Kolko is guilty.
And by the same token, Margulies is an enabler and an accessory.
But we cannot say that they are guilty until they have been tried - as Judge Roy Bean would say, 'give 'em a fair trial and hang 'em'.
Perhaps a mere pro forma detail, but nevertheless a legal necessity. Until then, they are legally innocent.
And frontier justice, for whatever reason, does not reflect well on the society which permits it.
The other aspect is that a beis din which did not bring this to the attention of the authorities bears legal responsibility - they can and will be seen as aiding and abetting the rape of minors that happened since they were first made aware of the matter.
This will have an impact on them, this will have an even worse impact on the entire bassei din idea - it casts doubt on the permissibility of intra-mural dispute resolution in matters where crimes may have been committed. It demonstrates that bassei din may need civil regulation.
So this is not an issue of a chillul Hashem - it is an issue of chillul Hasheem squared. There are just too many different horrors all on one page.
How could any of the people involved in not bringing this to the attention of authorities possibly consider themselves good Jews?
If there was any chance that this was going on (and as it turns out there was abundant chance for this to go on), how could they not see that doing nothing to stop it would reflect badly on them, their value system, their institutions, their community, their own legal standing, and their faith?
And these were not ignorant people. There is no excuse.
First of all, I am surprised RenReb is taking sides here, although I agree with your choice.
BySecond, you are dealing with a business man who established a fine and erhlich yeshiva who made him quiet rich. You are taking his prize Rebbi and telling everyone that he did something bad and evil. Like all good Mafia types, we go after those who want "out" and force them to be quiet. Now they are forced to face the problem at hand and they are not sure what to do.
I feel that those who knew should come forth and share the intimate details regarding this matter. I think police or higher should look into the bet din decission many years ago, and question the Rabbis on that bet din. What doesn't make sense is how we are just going after Kolko and his boss. Where are the Rabbis on the bet din, who let it slide but knew the truth?
Granted we don't go after judges who let criminals free, but we do get upset and angry with police who question suspects and then release them. Here too, we should be shouting to the brooklynites what is going on. Wake up the Yeshiva world and announce that we are not going to take it sitting down. Start pulling kids out of YTT and see how fast you get a response. See how fast Kolko's paid leave will be a fired status. But, we still are little sheeps and afraid of the big bad worlf. We don't want to upset anyone who has authority. We are afraid that our kids wont be accepted inanother yeshiva if we leave YTT. we feel that if we leave YTT what good is going to do, of he loses one child or family. But if we leave in full force, that is making a statement, but then again. we are afraid.
No one wants to be the ONE to do anything this bold. No one wants to be the first to leave. The first to call the police. The first to agree there is a problem.
Remember back then if a child complained about a Rebbi, it was usually the childs fault and not the Rebbi's. If the rebbi did something wrong it was because you did something wrong to make him do that. You made him hit you. You made him want to touch you. You made him want you. That was the mentality back then.
it hasnt changed much. We are still a %&^*( scared group of people.
Yeah Right: Of course RenReb is "taking sides," well, actually, expressing her point of view. Why are you surprised? She is moral and out spoken, not to mention properly outraged. To Back of the hill: There is a huge difference between "legally innocent" (or "presumed innocent") and innocence. There will be 12 people who must presume innocence. None of us need to.
ByIt baffles me that people are still quiet, not leaving YTT, not demanding an explaination from the bet din. Didn't America just jail someone for life because he did not prevent a death by keeping quiet? Where, outside of a few blogs, is the outrage? The torches? Maybe Kitty Genovese did die in vain.
Ren Reb,
ByYour post got me more pissed than I was before.
I'll come back for more when I need an adrenalin fix.
UOJ
There is a huge difference between "legally innocent" (or "presumed innocent") and innocence.
ByIndeed there is. Legally (presumed) innocent does not mean that they aren't guilty. It merely means that we cannot take the law into our own hands (and we've seen what happens when we do - it's sometimes called a 'beis din').
If they are guilty, I fervently hope that they will be found guilty in a court of law. A spin in the penitentiary might make them truly penitent.
If they are innocent, which given the pattern of incidents, spanning years, is rather unlikely, then I equally fervently hope that they will be able to establish that beyond any doubts.
Again, I rather think that they are indeed guilty.
But only a trial can establish that.
And lead to indictments of the rebbe'im in that beis din who did not report possible cases of child-molestation to the proper authorities for so many years.
If anything, this matter should clearly show that a beis din is not an authority when it comes to child-molesting.
renreb
Byit doesnt end here.
Check out angrysoul.blogspot.com.
YOu may not want to send your kids to sleep away camp after you do.
I believe the New York Mag references this blogs story.
In that case too, people claim the owners didnt know. IT seems like a epidemic of incompetent owners. Or maybe in each case there was a reason they didnt want to believe the story.
"And lead to indictments of the rebbe'im in that beis din who did not report possible cases of child-molestation to the proper authorities for so many years."
ByHm, I'm going to be pendatic here. I don't think that an indictment would be possible under current NY law, but civil damages might be.
"If anything, this matter should clearly show that a beis din is not an authority when it comes to child-molesting."
Beis Din, for better or for worse, has no enforcement authority other than what people give it. If you mean 'authority' as to being correct about what one is supposed to do, then it depends on the particular beis din. I don't think you can equate every beis din with whoever was involved in this one.
Oh. My. ...
ByI look up from my manuscript for a bit and discover this going on in the world.
Sigh.
In my humble opinion, and having worked extensively with survivors of sexual abuse, molestation is nothing less than the murder of a child's soul and innocence. And anyone who allows molestation or any form of sexual abuse to happen, not to mention covering it up, is equally guilty of that murder.
My two cents.
BTW, on a somewhat lighter note, I'm looking for responses to a question I posed on my blog for all of the rebbetzins around.
When this situation gets too sickening to think about for a while, I'd love to hear your (obviously anonymous) response.
Thanks for posting on this; I love reading your blog.
Wow. Great post.
ByI have to think about this subject more in order to properly formulate an opinion, but on the devil's advocate side: I'm sure that the Rabbonim in question asked their own halachic authorities, and I can't fault them for following the guidance that they received ... I just wonder on what grounds the guidance was given ...
Regular Jew: "I can't fault them for following the guidance that they received" ... Ah, yes, they were 'just following orders' so they're innocent. The mindless followers they are.
ByI am so glad you decided to post.
ByI agree that it is heartbreakingly sad for a person to suffer with sexual inclinations towards children. It must be so painful. However, if a person like that is not evil and truly wants to overcome his sickness he would not put himself in the path of temptation every single day. He is purely evil because knowing how he felt about children, he still chose to teach in a school (even if he did not at first realize that he had a problem, after the first incident he should have been so wracked with horror and guilt that he would have left his position to find other work. Any work. Somewhere where there are no children ). I really don't see the world in black and white but in this instance I think it is important to remove some of the shades of grey.
I do agree that a big part of the blame is also on any Rabbanim who were told that this is going on and did not stop it. It is not enough to investigate by asking a few questions and then forgetting. You follow up, and keep a very close watch on the situation until you are 1000% sure nothing is going on. And then you follow up even more. And keep watch. Otherwise, someone like Kolko, who has already made peace with himself that what he is doing is ok, would now be even more convinced that others don't see it as too big a deal either. Certainly if it was a big problem, he would expect someone to d something about it.
'YOU CALL THE POLICE. '
ByActually, you don't call the police, you call the mandated reporters hotline.
http://www.ocfs.state.ny.us/main/publications/Pub1159text.asp
The failure of a mandated reporter to report an allegation of abuse is a criminal offense, no matter how unjustified he/she thinks the allegation is.
I think this is consistent with halachah as I have been taught that we are required to inform the gentile authorities of Jews who present a danger to the community.
You do call the police. Only mandated reporters, who find out about the abuse while working, use that hotline. And that does not stop them from calling the police also. Clergy are NOT mandated reporters, but it gets sticky because "school officials" are. One can NEVER go wrong in calling the police about a child being destroyed for life.
ByTo anonymous,
ByYou are correct; I was referring to the school officials as mandated reporters. And it appears that no such report was made -- ever.
This is just one more reminder that we are not immune from the ills that plague the world.
ByThere are pedophiles, rapists, alcoholics, thieves, murderers and more among us.
We have an obligation to look out for each other. In this case it sounds like there were many failures to do so.
I'd like to think that this will never happen again, but I don't believe it. I just hope that when it does it is taken care of promptly.
Here's where I'm confused. Did the kids' parents know what was happening, or not? And what, if anything, did the parents do/try to do?
ByWhy don't you tell us how you really feel. :)
BySeriously, it is a sad state of affairs when a rebbe can abuse kids for that long. Actually it is sad if it can happen at all, but there is no way to stop it from happening so we must vigilantly ensure that it gets caught and dealt with immediately.
I know of a case right now where a parent is fighting to get a rebbe fired for molesting her kid and the school is not only balking they are threatening to expel her son from the Yeshiva because he has become a behavior problem.
Instead of accepting the responsibility of causing him to need extensive psychological help because they knew about this rebbe for years, they want to throw this poor kid out and wash their hands of it. Yes what this kid did was bad, almost as bad as what was done to him, but can't they see that they caused it? His parents are willing to pay for the help and the kid wants to be helped but they want to throw him out, which will ruin him for eternity, and keep the rebbe so that they will not look bad.
First of all - you're right on every count. It makes me feel so horrible that someone as well respected as R' M. could behave so horribly. I don't know what this says for our leaders and how we can believe in them.
ByJust wanted to point out that you misspelled pedophile. Feel free to delete this comment after making the correction.
To Souther Yid,
ByThose parents need to go to the police. When the police approaches the school, and they start to worry about their reputation, they will distance themselves from the teacher so fast his head will spin. It is not enough that the parents want him fired, he will just move on to another school. And their child needs to see that they believe him by really standing up for him. Research shows that the kids who are 'least affected' by sexual abuse (if their can be a degree of less/more in something so horrible) if the people closest to them are willing to defend them. I am shocked that the parents are willing to continue to send him to the same school where the teacher is still teaching!!!
Renegade Rebbetzin:
ByYour Post left me in tears. As a member of the team that worked long and hard to bring the Margulies/Kolko affair to a satisfactory conclusion, I deeply appreciate your eloquent and passionate article.
The sad news is that the situation is worse than even we knew. There are devastated victims stepping forward almost daily. Kolko is prolific even beyond our worst nightmares.
Don’t stand for any Margulies apologists; he is the root of all evil in this case. He knew and put his business interests before the safety of our children.
Thank you again and G-d bless you for your refreshing honesty.
If he would have done this to my kid I would have been the one in New York Magazine for commiting a horrible crime. This is too despicable to fathom.
ByWell I know one of the people he tried to go to - his uncle, and he flatly refused to believe him, according to the story.
ByUnfortunately he's pretty senile now and there's no real point in talking to him now. He lives alone because he wife and child died in a car wreck. Not sure what to do about this one.
I want to thank you for your wonderful letter.
ByIt's great knowing that after all these years of emotional pain and suffering that Kolko and Margulies & Co. will finally have to pay for their crimes.
Unfortunately for all of the victims, it's too late.
RenReb:
ByYiyasher kochaych! But for the same energy, you might as well spell the word right. It's "pedophilia" (and not "pedaphilia"). I suggest you make the corrections in your original post with a multiple find-and-replace. And then feel free to delete this post of mine.
After reading RenReb’s blog and all the posts, and being equally horrified and saddened by what seems to have been going on in the Jewish community, I went back and read the original article in New York Magazine. RenReb is right that the title is cheap journalism; but the article was disturbing on more levels than that. If you read it through carefully, what is it actually based on? Basically, it just cites the facts of the protagonist’s lawsuit (and then, naturally, goes on to make all sorts of sweeping statements about religious societies and Orthodox Judaism). I am a lawyer, and let me tell you, you can write anything you want in a lawsuit. It’s just an accusing document – the defense hasn’t spoken yet.
ByWhat is the actual evidence for this abuse? One named accuser, two or three other “anonymous” people that have attached themselves to the lawsuit, and an anonymous counselor at a camp. Everyone else – the accusations that dozens of people came forward, etc. – are unsubstantiated statements made by the prosecution.
Now, I’m not saying that the abuse didn’t actually happen. I’m not saying that even if it did, it wasn’t investigated properly. We certainly have evidence that such things can happen (and contrary to the article, not only in “closed” societies – this is a problem in every industry in which adults interact with young children). But it is not right for people to be condemned in newspaper articles or blogs. We don’t know that Rabbi Kolko abused anyone. We don’t know that if he did, there was enough evidence that Rabbi Marguelis should have believed it. All we know is what one person, and his lawyer, say about what happened. Let’s not forget that they could be lying. (Not that I want to accuse them of anything either – but it is possible. Why would they do that? Who knows. This, too, is something that we know can happen.)
Again, I’m not taking a position on whether or not the abuses happened. How could I possibly know? I’m just taking a position on the appropriateness of condemning someone based on a newspaper article.
Danielle,
ByWhat a wonderful, unbiased comment about this case. I have posted it on my blog. Thank you for your words.
- Regular Jew
Sim, and others:
ByI spent a long time this weekend discussing this with Mrs. Yid and in fact while she was reading the New York article the mother in question called her. She said she did not want to see the article and the following observations were made.
The only named person has already married off all his children. Most parents are afraid to speak up because they do not want to brand their child. I believe that he molesters know this and that is why they act with such impunity. What parent wants to hold up their child and say this kid was molested. On another blog where the recent event in Lakewood was being discussed someone made an excellent point. S/He said that unfortunately sexual assaults happen much more often but they are never discussed for fear of tainting the victim and that in this case if the assault would have occurred and ended without an 8 hour abduction no one would have known about this either.
Yes, it all comes down to shidduchim. Speak now and your chances of marrying of that kid have just sunk. If you are the victim and you get married and speak up then your children's chances of getting a good shidduch aew sunk so you have to wait until your children are married and then have the guts to drag up a 30 year old trauma.
That said, I still do not understand the parents. If it were my kid I would simply go to the molesters house and make sure that he never touched another kid. That way my kid would be kept out of it.
Southernyid: What kind of sick community would destroy the chances of a child of a person who was molested 25 years ago of getting married???? And, the victim him/her self? Your community taints the victim like that? AND his/her progeny? Your community is very sick indeed, abetting the molester like that.
ByYou are correct.
ByYou can not erase thousands of years of sensitivities and concepts in a short time. Unfortunately, in the Chareidi world these things matter.
But let me try to explain.
Lets say you have wonderful talented beautiful (inside and out) daughter and you would like her to get married. In your "circles" the only way to do this is through a shadchan who will recommend potential mates that you will screen and she will meet.
Now lets say two boys are recommended and they seem the same based on the information that you have found out except one has been abused as a child. You are going to pick the other one for her to meet (even though that one may have bigger problems, you never know but you have to play the odds. Why take a chance with someone who has a greater likelihood of having psychological problems.
So she meets the first guy and does not like him, most likely by now someone has suggested a third guy who you will try before the second for the same reason. So this poor guy keeps going to the back of the line.
YOU CAN NOT BLAME THE GIRLS FATHER. Every one of us would do the same thing.
If one were rich and one were poor and all else seemed even you would pick the rich one. (difference being the poor one would eventually get a date).
If one had a physical deformity and one did not you would pick the one without the deformity every time. It may be wrong but it called human nature and you can not change it.
I married a disabled woman. If what you say is true, the Chareidi world is pathetic. I guess Moses and his speech impediment wouldn't have a chance.
ByI am willing to bet, assuming you are able bodied, you married a woman whom you met and got to know and realized that she was good and wonderful and................ all of those things that made you realize that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her.
ByHow did your parents take the news?
If they were accepting then I am assuming because they had already gotten to know her as well. If so, honestly answer how you think they would have felt if you called them up and said "Mom, Dad guess what? I met a great girl and we are getting married, by the way she is in a wheelchair (I know you did not say that was your wife's disability, it is just an example). Most parents would not be happy. I am not saying it is right I am just saying that is the way it is.
Just to show you how deeply imbedded that feeling is.
If my daughter were handicapped and an able bodied boy wanted to go out with her and marry her I would wonder what was wrong with him. People have to recognize handicaps for what they are. Handicaps are defined as hinderances and disadvantages. So recognizing that my child has a disadvantage does mean i think she is "bad" or "damaged" but I should not fool myself into thinking that she is not disadvantaged. Then as a parent I must do all I can to make sure that she leads as normal and productive a life as she can.
Southern Yid
ByI know it is easy for all of us to sit aside and say 'how can you not call the police' when it is not our child who will be whispered about. And I know the charedi community well enough to know that you are right about future shidduchim being a potential problem. And still - someone has to be brave enough to take the first stance against evil. I am truly heartbroken for what that family is going through. hopefully you will help them see that the difficult way still may be the right way.
What else does one have to do in order to prove to you that the story in NY Mag is true?
ByHow much more detail do you want or need?
I've gone out on the line with my name and my whole childhood history in order that people will believe that this molestation by Yudi Kolko really happened.
Since then I have been in contact with NUMEROUS other men who have contacted Jeff Herman and who have told similar facts - basically the same types of molestation committed by Yudi Kolko to them over the years. Some of these men are destroyed people, some not frum anymore.
Yudi Kolko is a sick man who needs to be removed from any contact with any children! Not only in YTT, but also as a tutor in his home. He needs help.
But the real issue now is the ongoing cover-up that has been going on for DECADES. Many many people within Agudah, Camp Agudah and Torah Temimah have known about this for decades!!
These people must pay for their cover-up. Because of them MANY lives have been destroyed.
David,
ByThank you for your bravery - because of you hopefully many children will be saved from suffering what you did. It is time that we Jews learned what the Catholic Church is now in the painful process of learning.
SouthernYid,
I am so sad that you feel the way you do about people with handicaps. Someone with a handicap is not inferior to an able-bodied person. Another way to look at it is to say that we are all temporarily able-bodied - all of us ultimately will suffer various bodily injuries and illnesses, so that there is not that much difference, in the end, between the able-bodied and the handicapped person.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
ByI chose my words very carefully. I never said inferior I said disadvantaged. There is a difference. Different people have different abilities and we mus learn to appreciate each individual for what they can do AND for what they can not.
ByTo oversimplify:
You and I are best friends.
You can lift 100 lbs.
I can lift 100 lbs.
together we can lift 200 lbs.
You need to lift 250 lbs.
Chaim, a mere casual acquaintance of yours can lift 200 lbs by himself, Together you can easily lift 250 lbs.
We are both willing to help but you can only pick one.
Since I am your best friend you pick me.
What have you accomplished?
As we endeavor to journey through life, when we are given choices (and I realize that we are not always given choices, then you "play the hand your dealt") we must choose the option that will best enable us to get the job done. Sometimes physical handicaps are impediments to that objective and sometimes they are not. similarly with mental limitations. And possibly most important character traits.
The only thing more important than knowing what you can do is knowing what you can not do.
To oversimplify again:
It would be totally ridiculous for Stephen Hawking to think he can play in the NBA and it would be completely unconscionable for him to waste his valuable time trying.
And you equate that to ... meeting a woman who seems perfect for you, except for the fact that her father was abused by an adult 30 years ago? Yes, this equates to Dr. Hawking thinking he can play in the NBA. Wow.
ByNO.
Bywe seem to have deviated from the topic.
I have always maintained that if my child came home with a boy/girl whom they met and liked but whose parent was abused that would be OK. I can not honestly say how I owuld feel if the boy/girl being brought home was the one who was abused (it's honest).
I said that if I were choosing whom they should meet (I am not chasiddish where I am picking the spouse, simply monitoring who they will date), ie a shadchan presented two seemingly identical candidates except one had something negative way in his past I would choose the one without the baggage.
SO WOULD YOU.
Abusing children is despicable and wrong. It happens in all communities, religious or no, and all people need to be on watch for it, aware of the signs of it, and ready to call the civil, not just the religious, authority to put a stop to it. (I have all the respect in the world for ecclesiastical courts...on ecclesiastical matters, at least. But people who touch the chirrun need to be on the National Sex Offenders Registry (if not on the gibbet), for the protection of EVERYONE'S children...so that they can't ever, ever pass a background check again.)
ByTreating/considering abused children as "damaged goods" in any way is slightly more disturbing. Saying "well, that's just the way it is" doesn't change it.
I have to go puke now, really.
Southernyid: You need to learn to speak for yourself. "Everyone does it" is not only a lame excuse, it typically is not true, nor is it of any merit or value. You have the failing of prejudice and you seem proud of it. That's ok with me. But to say that everyone would make that choice is a common way for people to excuse their own failings. You see someone's weakness and you look for someone else. Many of us see someone's strong points and go from there. I feel sorry for you.
ByYou are entitled to your opinion.
ByWe will have to agree to disagree.
I will not comment further.
There's something I'm confused about. What did Rabbi Marguelis, or any of the leadership at Torah Temima or Camp Agudah have to gain by keeping this guy employed? Why didn't they get rid of him after 1 or 2 people complained?
ByWhat was the benefit for them?
I'm in Chicago, and previously worked as the Director of a program which worked with pedophiles. One of our clients was an Orthodox Jewish Hebrew teacher.
ByHis wife was furious that he had been court ordered out of their home. She told the therapist and lawyers that it would never happen again...because if it did "he would be no better than a goy".
He was accused of molesting at least 15 children, and acknowledged molestation of about 8. Statistics show that molesters tend to underreport by the hundreds...so 8 acknowledged molestations probably meant several hundred youth who were molested.
The orthodox rabbinic community kept things very quiet. A mother's group protested saying that if a butcher was suspected of selling treif meat they were denounced from every bima, and their business was effectively shut down, but someone accused of molestation was protected lest it be a "shonda for the goyim."
We dont' want to believe these things occur in our community...they do.
What if a butcher is accused of molestation?
ByI live in Australasia and only read about Kolko in the last few days. I can tell you that in 1971 I a was a student in Mirrer Yeshiva and Kolko was a gym teacher. I remember vividly (although never mentioned itto a soul)that he brought me into a small room next to the gym (which was on the top floor away from everything else) stood behind me and put his hand into my genital area. I was very umcomfortable and managed to get away. I did not imagin that anyone would believe me so I kept it to myslf for the past 35 years. I am ahppy that other people have the determination to seek justice.
ByI have no reason to lie. I would never condemn someone untruthfully unless he was a real danger to society and I can prevent others from ever suffering what I did in the past. I am over 50 years old today and can tell you truthfully that Mr Kolko is a perverted person - a child molester, and is terribly sick in his head. (I refuse to call him rabbi and whoever gave him smicha should most definitely retreact it.)
ByHe molested me in Mirrer Yeshiva more than once when I was 13 years old. He intimidated me not to tell anyone. My father wouldn't hear of it and din't believe me thinking I just wanted to switch out of Mirrer since it was so strict. Kolko is the person the Holy Mirrer Yeshiva had a nerve to hire and set as the dormitory floor supervisor - can you imagine? Having to live and sleep in a yeshiva and be frigthened of the person who is in a supervisory position daily and nightly!!? I could not sleep a wink the entire year of my feshman experience. I had a miserable time staying awake in class both hebrew and secular studies. I have never been able to sleep properly, to this day, still suffer terrible nightmares, and nervous habits from that part of my life, although I somehow managed to raise a family. His molestation had a direct effect on my not even being able to live in NY anymore as right after graduation from college I got married (to a New Yorker) and convinced her to move as far away from NY (and unfortunately our families) as possible. All because of my recurring nightmares because of this sick man. May justice soon be served. G-d Willing.
Holocust surrvivers have baggage and they are damaged goods--your children can not marry a Holocaust surviver but if they could you would wish they married a non-Holocaust survivor?
ByBaggage is only baggage to the undamaged people if the damaged person is anti socail or criminal. That is it. Can you prejedice the abused for the abuse that they have survived and sustained? No wonder the survivors who live in Israel will not talk about their past. The Israelis chastied them and ridiculed them when they got to Israel. What did you do to survive--they would ask. They would even call them SOAP. Now you ask them where they are from and they will deny that they have an accent and any other origin beyond Israel. You who seek to protect your children from damaged good force people like them to keep the silence--so no one can take their future away for the harm inflicted on them in the past.
I understand the NATURAL inclination to PROTECT your children for damaged people, but you only facilitated the abuser because his control come will the silence of those he abuses.
It is true a child who is violently and/or sexual abused has a higher liklyhood to become an abuser him/herself. It is a learned behavior. If the abuser is silent then not only can his abuser find more children to abuse but the children that he abused can also become abusers themselves. Only with outing this can the child get treatment and break this horride cycle.
You ever hear people say that if you see one roach there are propbale 5-100 more in that house. Well it applies to child abuse. That is what childern do they learn. If we as a society our children to learn Torah/secular studies and they also inadvertantly learn to develope these kinds of sexual bonds. We are responsible!
DeboraWeksler@yahoo.com
Check out this blog:
Byaboutuoj.blogspot.com
Will shed light on UOJ and the whole Kolko issue.
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