The conspiracy
Shavua tov.
So, once upon a time, I promised to provide evidence that some people out there are plotting to steal my husband away from me. Without further ado, I present the evidence, as follows.
Incident #1: The Spirituality Ruse
First, Spiritual Philette, first referenced in question #3 of this post, starts up with what relationship psychologists refer to as "the chesed ruse." ("chesed" = charitable acts of lovingkindness)
There I am, innocently doing something meaningful and important, like ordering coloring books or knighting DovBear, and the phone rings. It's Spiritual Philette, and she's calling so she can sweet-talk me into - if you can believe it - making a meal for somebody. Like I have time to be helping other people. Like I have time to be making meals at all. Like I ever cook anything on weeknights, other than fish sticks and frozen pizza. Like it's MY problem if someone else just gave birth or is having their appendix out or is sitting shiva and needs temporary help feeding their family. Feh.
So of course I said "Sure, Philette, of course I'll do it, no I'm not too busy, don't be silly, hahaha [insert musical laughter]," but I wanted to say the following:
"I GOT YOUR EMAIL ABOUT THIS, SPIRITUAL PHILETTE. DID YOU NOTICE ME NOT RESPONDING TO IT? DOES THAT MAYBE SUGGEST TO YOU THAT I COULD NOT, OR DID NOT WANT TO, PARTICIPATE IN THIS PARTICULAR MEAL ROUNDUP?? BUT YOU COULDN'T ACCEPT THAT, COULD YOU?? HAD TO CALL ME ON THE PHONE AND GUILT ME INTO IT, DIDN'T YOU??"
[Note to humor-impaired: I should think it would be obvious that I am kidding with my sarcastic renderings above, but I have learned the hard way never to assume that the obvious is indeed obvious to everybody. Of course it is indeed my problem if people need help feeding their families. Of course that is more important than CockyBear or my coloring books. I am attempting to be self-deprecating, and to do so in a witty maner. I apologize if the humor is lost on anyone. Thank you for playing "Is RenReb Evil, Or Just Plain Bad."]
So after I was bullied by Spiritual Philette into providing sustenance for someone who was unable to do so for themselves, I started to wonder, in my bitterness, what exactly SP thinks she's doing by planning this stuff in the first place. Isn't this sort of thing supposed to be, like, the rebbetzin's job?? Aren't I the one who's supposed to be bulldogging (or sweet-talking, or guilt-tripping, or inspiring, or whatever you want to call it) our community members into helping others? But then you might point out that the problem in this case, of course, is that the rebbetzin, i.e. ME, was not doing it. So clearly, somebody else had to. But still, I don't know why Spiritual Philette felt that she should be the one to step up to the plate.
So that's when it hit me. This woman is after my husband. I mean, why else would she be trying to out-rebbetzin the rebbetzin?? What possible reason could she have for, you know, doing mitzvot and trying to help people, other than that she's trying to snag my man? Using her spiritual wiles, was she? Trying to show him how much better a helpmeet she would be, is that it? (OK, granted, she's happily married and has several children, but that is so not the point.)
So I was already pretty suspicious, but the real kicker came some time later, when she called him up about this other big pile o' chesed she wanted to do, and one thing led to another, and before I knew it my husband ended up going with her to meet with some people.
ALONE.
That is IT, Spiritual Philette. You leave me no choice. I am going to have to personally make sure my husband forswears any chesed from ever taking place inside our shul again. But don't thank me. A rebbetzin's gotta do what a rebbetzin's gotta do.
Incident #2: The Dinner Ruse
So remember how I used to complain my little head off about being forced to parade around all the community fundraising dinners, just because the institutions all have to invite all the rabbis, and just because I happen to be a rabbi's wife?
Well, it so happens that recently there was a dinner that we were, indeed, invited to, but which we had no plans of attending, because, well, the required donation was something like $86,428 a plate (ok, not really, but close). Sometimes, we're invited to these things gratis, but there was no indication this time that that would be the case, and I have to admit that my reaction was something along the lines of "Oh, no WAY. You mean I can't spend my evening prancing around in uncomfortable clothing wondering whether or not my handbag matches my shoes and wondering what we're going to have to sell this month in order to pay the babysitter? That sucks."
So next thing I know, my husband tells me he is going.
Me: Are you insane?! You're in no way obligated to pay that kind of money for [name of institution]'s dinner!
Rabbi: No, I got a phone call from [name of institution], and it's being privately sponsored.
Me: Wow. That's crazy. So who's paying for us?
Ah. Oops. Not "us." Him. Some kind-hearted soul had taken it upon themselves to bust their wallet; liquidate their IRAs; forego waxing and manicures for an entire week, if necessary; someone had decided to do whatever needs to be done to ensure that this particular dinner would not, Heaven forbid, take place without the majestic presence of Rabbi McPhil. Rebbetzin McPhil?? Who needs her? All she does is follow in his mystical wake.
So, who do you think this "private sponsor" was? No, not Spritual Philette; it was some other Other Woman. Some middle-aged communal service woman, who happens to think my husband is just the most adorable little Orthodox boy she's ever laid eyes on. I know this because of how she gazes at him in awed worship, and corners him to talk about some Big Important Thing that communal non-professionals such as myself could never understand, every time we're at some function involving the broader community. There I am, chasing after children, re-introducing myself to the entire planet and smiling politely while they ALL say, over and over again, "Oh, of course! Rabbi McPhil's wife! Oh, your husband is wonderful!", and all the while, Giggly Middle-Aged Lady (GMAL) is plotting how she can get him on his own, away from me.
Well, she finally found a way. Use the Dinner Ruse. Sponsor his plate, and leave me at home, unable to swing the bill. Ingenuity, indeed. Well done, GMAL.
Incident #3: The Torah Ruse
We're at this reception thing. There's a whole bunch of rabbis and spouses there, of all denominations. Everyone is laughing loudly, shaking hands, meeting new people who have just moved to the area and taken over pulpits. I've spent a lot of time standing by the punch bowl, relieved that they remembered to serve kosher wine. I've already chatted with the people I know. I begin to make my way back towards my husband, who I notice is deep in conversation with an attractive, intelligent-looking woman. As I approach, I read the nametag: "Rabbi XX, Temple XX." Ah, so this is the new rabbi of one of the local Conservative shuls. I introduce myself and shake her hand. I notice she's not wearing a wedding band. She's nice, she's smart, and we chat about the area and the shuls. The subject of the eiruv comes up, and the mikvah, and the kosher establishments. I notice that she seems somewhat more learned than some Conservative rabbis I know, and that she appears fairly fluent with concepts and terminology that non-Orthodox Jews aren't, in my experience, generally acquainted with. In fact, I begin to realize with a slight dose of bitterness that she seems to know and understand some halachic matters better than I do, and is also rather well-versed in "yeshiva-style" lingo. This is a first for me when talking to a non-Orthodox rabbi, since even though many are quite familiar with halacha, I can usually swing the Ortho talk better than they can, or at least I can fake it pretty well. But there's no doubt that this woman is really quite learned, on a sophisticated level. So I ask her where she's studied.
"Oh, I've gone to Conservative schools and camps my whole life, and I was ordained at XX and studied at Conservative Institution XX as well, and I've been learning on my own over the last 4 or 5 years."
And - wait for it - she continues:
"In fact, it's somewhat of a challenge for me to find a good chavruta [Torah study partner] - "
Oh, no, I think to myself, in my self-centered perception that the world revolves around me, she's going to ask me to learn with her, and not only do I not have time, but I really don't want her to find out that she knows about 10,000 times more than I do, since, well, I have not been learning on my own for the last 4 or 5 years. What am I going to say without sounding rude???
Well, I needn't have worried. Rabbi XX continued: " - and I was just asking your husband if he thought he would have time for us to do some learning together."
Wow. Smart, attractive, learned, unmarried Rabbi XX wastes no time, does she?
Incident #4: The Interfaith Unity Ruse
So there's some big speaker coming to a local library, and he's going to talk about something like "Religion in the World Today," and it's being coordinated by this group of priests, together with this group of rabbis and imams and God knows what else. My husband has been only peripherally involved, mostly in the form of receiving about 8,000 phone calls per day from a gentleman with an unbelievably non-Jewish sounding name, something along the lines of "Dylan Murphy" (Seinfeld reference) ("I'm not O'Brien!"). My husband has started to refer to this man by a sort of nickname, the kind that only good friends would use, something like (if the name were Dylan) "Dill." Finaly, I ask my husband who this man is.
"He's the junior priest at Church XX. He's been really involved in coordinating this thing, and it's cute - he's obviously really young, and really enthusiastic, and he's very excited about the whole thing and spends all his time calling to confirm and reconfirm and then confirm after talking to someone else, and so forth. Now he's falling all over himself to try and be sure there's some kosher food at the lecture, even though I keep telling him not to worry about it. It's really adorable."
Adorable? Do you know many men who call other grown men "adorable"? But I decided to let that slide, although after the next several phone calls, I began to think that perhaps "overeager" or "annoying" might be better adjectives. So one night when he called, I waited for my husband to get off the phone, and finally, after almost an hour, he emerged.
Me: Good Lord! It takes that long to confirm kosher food??
Rabbi: No, no. He was calling to ask if I would participate in future committee events with this interfaith group. Turns out he knows a little about Orthodox Judaism, so we got to talking about halachic issues involved with these things.
Me: Ooh. That's never fun.
Rabbi: Actually, it was pretty interesting. He was already a little familiar with it, and he was telling me all sorts of things about his church, and his career. He's really looking forward to this lecture so he can meet all these other clergy members in person. He's a very interesting guy.
And here comes the kicker -
Rabbi: (*pause*) He's actually gay.
Shul members. Community members. Rabbis. Priests. I can't trust anyone anymore.
------------
So, those are the incidents. That's my proof about the vast conspiracy, though I think the phrase "right-wing" may have been pushing it, given the particulars.
A rebbetzin wanna-be, a rich communal servant, a rabbi, and a priest. Sounds like the beginning of a joke. A mean joke. A bad joke. A cockyheaded joke. A joke entitled "That rabbi doesn't rock her world no more, now does he?"
Someone, somewhere, is clearly doing all they can, making use of whatever denomination or religion they think will work, trying everything to try and lure my husband into some kind of anti-RenReb trap. Spirituality and chesed; money and food; Torah, brains, and beauty; and youth, enthusiasm, and "adorableness." It hasn't worked yet, but we know that will only make them more desperate.
So that's one possibility. The other possibility is that these incidents are completely unrelated, but that two of them, at least, have me feeling just a wee bit self-conscious. It's possible that perhaps Spiritual Philette and Rabbi XX, through their sheer existence, cause me to hold a mirror up to myself, which is often not a pleasant experience, especially after all the ooze I've eaten. Perhaps the reason I joke about them trying to steal my husband is because I sometimes wish I were a little more like them.
GMAL and Dylan, however, can wither in my dust.
So, once upon a time, I promised to provide evidence that some people out there are plotting to steal my husband away from me. Without further ado, I present the evidence, as follows.
Incident #1: The Spirituality Ruse
First, Spiritual Philette, first referenced in question #3 of this post, starts up with what relationship psychologists refer to as "the chesed ruse." ("chesed" = charitable acts of lovingkindness)
There I am, innocently doing something meaningful and important, like ordering coloring books or knighting DovBear, and the phone rings. It's Spiritual Philette, and she's calling so she can sweet-talk me into - if you can believe it - making a meal for somebody. Like I have time to be helping other people. Like I have time to be making meals at all. Like I ever cook anything on weeknights, other than fish sticks and frozen pizza. Like it's MY problem if someone else just gave birth or is having their appendix out or is sitting shiva and needs temporary help feeding their family. Feh.
So of course I said "Sure, Philette, of course I'll do it, no I'm not too busy, don't be silly, hahaha [insert musical laughter]," but I wanted to say the following:
"I GOT YOUR EMAIL ABOUT THIS, SPIRITUAL PHILETTE. DID YOU NOTICE ME NOT RESPONDING TO IT? DOES THAT MAYBE SUGGEST TO YOU THAT I COULD NOT, OR DID NOT WANT TO, PARTICIPATE IN THIS PARTICULAR MEAL ROUNDUP?? BUT YOU COULDN'T ACCEPT THAT, COULD YOU?? HAD TO CALL ME ON THE PHONE AND GUILT ME INTO IT, DIDN'T YOU??"
[Note to humor-impaired: I should think it would be obvious that I am kidding with my sarcastic renderings above, but I have learned the hard way never to assume that the obvious is indeed obvious to everybody. Of course it is indeed my problem if people need help feeding their families. Of course that is more important than CockyBear or my coloring books. I am attempting to be self-deprecating, and to do so in a witty maner. I apologize if the humor is lost on anyone. Thank you for playing "Is RenReb Evil, Or Just Plain Bad."]
So after I was bullied by Spiritual Philette into providing sustenance for someone who was unable to do so for themselves, I started to wonder, in my bitterness, what exactly SP thinks she's doing by planning this stuff in the first place. Isn't this sort of thing supposed to be, like, the rebbetzin's job?? Aren't I the one who's supposed to be bulldogging (or sweet-talking, or guilt-tripping, or inspiring, or whatever you want to call it) our community members into helping others? But then you might point out that the problem in this case, of course, is that the rebbetzin, i.e. ME, was not doing it. So clearly, somebody else had to. But still, I don't know why Spiritual Philette felt that she should be the one to step up to the plate.
So that's when it hit me. This woman is after my husband. I mean, why else would she be trying to out-rebbetzin the rebbetzin?? What possible reason could she have for, you know, doing mitzvot and trying to help people, other than that she's trying to snag my man? Using her spiritual wiles, was she? Trying to show him how much better a helpmeet she would be, is that it? (OK, granted, she's happily married and has several children, but that is so not the point.)
So I was already pretty suspicious, but the real kicker came some time later, when she called him up about this other big pile o' chesed she wanted to do, and one thing led to another, and before I knew it my husband ended up going with her to meet with some people.
ALONE.
That is IT, Spiritual Philette. You leave me no choice. I am going to have to personally make sure my husband forswears any chesed from ever taking place inside our shul again. But don't thank me. A rebbetzin's gotta do what a rebbetzin's gotta do.
Incident #2: The Dinner Ruse
So remember how I used to complain my little head off about being forced to parade around all the community fundraising dinners, just because the institutions all have to invite all the rabbis, and just because I happen to be a rabbi's wife?
Well, it so happens that recently there was a dinner that we were, indeed, invited to, but which we had no plans of attending, because, well, the required donation was something like $86,428 a plate (ok, not really, but close). Sometimes, we're invited to these things gratis, but there was no indication this time that that would be the case, and I have to admit that my reaction was something along the lines of "Oh, no WAY. You mean I can't spend my evening prancing around in uncomfortable clothing wondering whether or not my handbag matches my shoes and wondering what we're going to have to sell this month in order to pay the babysitter? That sucks."
So next thing I know, my husband tells me he is going.
Me: Are you insane?! You're in no way obligated to pay that kind of money for [name of institution]'s dinner!
Rabbi: No, I got a phone call from [name of institution], and it's being privately sponsored.
Me: Wow. That's crazy. So who's paying for us?
Ah. Oops. Not "us." Him. Some kind-hearted soul had taken it upon themselves to bust their wallet; liquidate their IRAs; forego waxing and manicures for an entire week, if necessary; someone had decided to do whatever needs to be done to ensure that this particular dinner would not, Heaven forbid, take place without the majestic presence of Rabbi McPhil. Rebbetzin McPhil?? Who needs her? All she does is follow in his mystical wake.
So, who do you think this "private sponsor" was? No, not Spritual Philette; it was some other Other Woman. Some middle-aged communal service woman, who happens to think my husband is just the most adorable little Orthodox boy she's ever laid eyes on. I know this because of how she gazes at him in awed worship, and corners him to talk about some Big Important Thing that communal non-professionals such as myself could never understand, every time we're at some function involving the broader community. There I am, chasing after children, re-introducing myself to the entire planet and smiling politely while they ALL say, over and over again, "Oh, of course! Rabbi McPhil's wife! Oh, your husband is wonderful!", and all the while, Giggly Middle-Aged Lady (GMAL) is plotting how she can get him on his own, away from me.
Well, she finally found a way. Use the Dinner Ruse. Sponsor his plate, and leave me at home, unable to swing the bill. Ingenuity, indeed. Well done, GMAL.
Incident #3: The Torah Ruse
We're at this reception thing. There's a whole bunch of rabbis and spouses there, of all denominations. Everyone is laughing loudly, shaking hands, meeting new people who have just moved to the area and taken over pulpits. I've spent a lot of time standing by the punch bowl, relieved that they remembered to serve kosher wine. I've already chatted with the people I know. I begin to make my way back towards my husband, who I notice is deep in conversation with an attractive, intelligent-looking woman. As I approach, I read the nametag: "Rabbi XX, Temple XX." Ah, so this is the new rabbi of one of the local Conservative shuls. I introduce myself and shake her hand. I notice she's not wearing a wedding band. She's nice, she's smart, and we chat about the area and the shuls. The subject of the eiruv comes up, and the mikvah, and the kosher establishments. I notice that she seems somewhat more learned than some Conservative rabbis I know, and that she appears fairly fluent with concepts and terminology that non-Orthodox Jews aren't, in my experience, generally acquainted with. In fact, I begin to realize with a slight dose of bitterness that she seems to know and understand some halachic matters better than I do, and is also rather well-versed in "yeshiva-style" lingo. This is a first for me when talking to a non-Orthodox rabbi, since even though many are quite familiar with halacha, I can usually swing the Ortho talk better than they can, or at least I can fake it pretty well. But there's no doubt that this woman is really quite learned, on a sophisticated level. So I ask her where she's studied.
"Oh, I've gone to Conservative schools and camps my whole life, and I was ordained at XX and studied at Conservative Institution XX as well, and I've been learning on my own over the last 4 or 5 years."
And - wait for it - she continues:
"In fact, it's somewhat of a challenge for me to find a good chavruta [Torah study partner] - "
Oh, no, I think to myself, in my self-centered perception that the world revolves around me, she's going to ask me to learn with her, and not only do I not have time, but I really don't want her to find out that she knows about 10,000 times more than I do, since, well, I have not been learning on my own for the last 4 or 5 years. What am I going to say without sounding rude???
Well, I needn't have worried. Rabbi XX continued: " - and I was just asking your husband if he thought he would have time for us to do some learning together."
Wow. Smart, attractive, learned, unmarried Rabbi XX wastes no time, does she?
Incident #4: The Interfaith Unity Ruse
So there's some big speaker coming to a local library, and he's going to talk about something like "Religion in the World Today," and it's being coordinated by this group of priests, together with this group of rabbis and imams and God knows what else. My husband has been only peripherally involved, mostly in the form of receiving about 8,000 phone calls per day from a gentleman with an unbelievably non-Jewish sounding name, something along the lines of "Dylan Murphy" (Seinfeld reference) ("I'm not O'Brien!"). My husband has started to refer to this man by a sort of nickname, the kind that only good friends would use, something like (if the name were Dylan) "Dill." Finaly, I ask my husband who this man is.
"He's the junior priest at Church XX. He's been really involved in coordinating this thing, and it's cute - he's obviously really young, and really enthusiastic, and he's very excited about the whole thing and spends all his time calling to confirm and reconfirm and then confirm after talking to someone else, and so forth. Now he's falling all over himself to try and be sure there's some kosher food at the lecture, even though I keep telling him not to worry about it. It's really adorable."
Adorable? Do you know many men who call other grown men "adorable"? But I decided to let that slide, although after the next several phone calls, I began to think that perhaps "overeager" or "annoying" might be better adjectives. So one night when he called, I waited for my husband to get off the phone, and finally, after almost an hour, he emerged.
Me: Good Lord! It takes that long to confirm kosher food??
Rabbi: No, no. He was calling to ask if I would participate in future committee events with this interfaith group. Turns out he knows a little about Orthodox Judaism, so we got to talking about halachic issues involved with these things.
Me: Ooh. That's never fun.
Rabbi: Actually, it was pretty interesting. He was already a little familiar with it, and he was telling me all sorts of things about his church, and his career. He's really looking forward to this lecture so he can meet all these other clergy members in person. He's a very interesting guy.
And here comes the kicker -
Rabbi: (*pause*) He's actually gay.
Shul members. Community members. Rabbis. Priests. I can't trust anyone anymore.
------------
So, those are the incidents. That's my proof about the vast conspiracy, though I think the phrase "right-wing" may have been pushing it, given the particulars.
A rebbetzin wanna-be, a rich communal servant, a rabbi, and a priest. Sounds like the beginning of a joke. A mean joke. A bad joke. A cockyheaded joke. A joke entitled "That rabbi doesn't rock her world no more, now does he?"
Someone, somewhere, is clearly doing all they can, making use of whatever denomination or religion they think will work, trying everything to try and lure my husband into some kind of anti-RenReb trap. Spirituality and chesed; money and food; Torah, brains, and beauty; and youth, enthusiasm, and "adorableness." It hasn't worked yet, but we know that will only make them more desperate.
So that's one possibility. The other possibility is that these incidents are completely unrelated, but that two of them, at least, have me feeling just a wee bit self-conscious. It's possible that perhaps Spiritual Philette and Rabbi XX, through their sheer existence, cause me to hold a mirror up to myself, which is often not a pleasant experience, especially after all the ooze I've eaten. Perhaps the reason I joke about them trying to steal my husband is because I sometimes wish I were a little more like them.
GMAL and Dylan, however, can wither in my dust.
Labels: The Rebbetzinate
This entry was posted on Sunday, March 19, 2006 at 3/19/2006 09:51:00 AM.
ByWow, what a week. That's one for the record books! Hope you get your hubby back this week!
ByThanks, but it wasn't all this week. I've been collecting this evidence over the last 2+ months. Not that that changes anything....
By:-)
I'm going to be slightly rude in my phrasing: what are you doing? Why are these things of such concern to you?
ByI think that if GMAL, Dylan, Spiritual Philette and the rest of them were to read your blog (and perhaps they are), they'd quickly begin to wish that they were a little more like you.
On a more personal note, please go easy on those of us with "unbelievably non-Jewish sounding names" will you? Some of us occasionally-nice-Jewish-boys can't help having very Irish last names. (In my case, I also can't help it that my nice-Jewish-girl mother has a bad habit of marrying Catholics and Protestants because she came to the opinion long ago that (Jewish) men are pigs.)
As it is, I have enough trouble explaining that "Yes, I am (very) Jewish!" and "no, that mezuzah on my doorpost is not a Hide-A-Key." You typically embody so much that's right about this religion, and I know you didn't mean anything by it, but it hurt anyway.
--Andrew (Insert Unbelievably non-Jewish Sounding Last Name Here)
What's in a name anyway? I knew this guy whose mom's name was Mary and his name was Jesus of Nazareth, and they BOTH were Jewish! Can you get more non-Jewish sounding than that!? So, take solace, Andrew of Nazareth, and so there RenReb!
ByThe best thing about blogs is that I can give people all the mussar I want. Usually I have to be nice and not tell people how to run their lives.
ByRen Reb - DO NOT LET THAT CONSERVATIVE RABBI ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR HUSBAND. She is TOTALLY flirting with him, even though she might not realize it. An intellectual woman like that is ach v'rak turned on by SOMEONE SHE CAN RESPECT INTELLECTUALLY, like YOUR HUSBAND. Trust me, I know. Doven for her to find some Conservative talmid chacham who knows more than her.
However, maybe you should pay attention to that nagging little voice telling you that you should be learning more. Now Ms. Conservative Genius doesn't have a houseful of kids, and all the brain energy and time drain that that entails, so she can devote her kishkes completely to Torah, isn't that nice, don't we hate her, but maybe you could read the parasha every week. Or maybe you already do, and could add a little Rashi or Ramban.
Signed, your comrade in arms,
Repressed Rebel Rebbetzin
Andrew - I can do better, I'm sure, than your last name. A friend of mine married a man named John Paul. You know, like the former Pope. Of course, people just call him "John," but I remember his full name showed up on the wedding invitation, and it did look different.
ByTo Anonymous re: Mary & Jesus...that was just plain silly.
ByBwaaaa! This post was awesomely funny. Sounds like you and Rabbi McPhil could use a weekend alone together with no cell phones within 40 miles.
ByMay I suggest southern Utah for a getaway? Lovely climate, friendly people, and you'll have the chance to get called a 'gentile' (as all non-Mormons are there). :)
Maybe you could start working out, dieting and paying more attention to your appearance. It sounds crazy I know, but maybe just try it.
Bythis post cracked me up! (no offense, because I recognize that it is a Very Serious Subject, but I know that you are in no danger because clearly you outclass all of those wanna-be contenders)...
BySpeaking of which, just wait till he sees you in all of those hot sultry sheitels you posted about a few weeks ago... Rrrrrrrrowwrr... :)
Wow ... women and homosexuals are trying to steal your husband, and anonymous 5:24 surmises you are out of shape, fat, and, well, inattentive to your appearance. Obviously this troll never thought that maybe the reason the women and others ARE FAILING at stealing He Who Rocks Your World is because you are fit, slim, and well cared for. Or, maybe looks don't matter and the Rabbi loves you, since it is doubtful he is a pig. Maybe he knows a good thing when he sees it (or marries her).
ByRE: #1.....get yourself some Caller ID! I've resorted to not answering the phone midday when they call from the preschool. I'm afraid they'll ask me to come help out in the lunch room and I can never say no. So I don't answer the phone and instead sit there hoping that my kids are ok and waiting for the answering machine to pick up. :) such sacrifices are necessary sometimes....
ByAs for the "adorable" priest, there's your answer why he's "Adorable." (and joining you in your seinfeld references...) "no that there's anything wrong with that!"
What is it with anonymous commenters telling rebbetzin bloggers to work out? Is there just one catty gym-fanatic going round all the blogs? Or is it just coincidence?
ByWhy not try matching the gay priest up with the Conservative rabbi? They clearly both like learning halacha.
Blackherring totally has the right idea - "let's you and him fight" is the best way to walk away a winner. :)
ByHey, I feel ya. My husband is going back to school to finish a degree that got sidelined because of his career and all these non-tznius-ly dressed 18 year olds keep hitting on him! I am so tempted to sign up for all his classes and pepper spray any female that comes within 5 feet of him. :-P
ByYou are absolutely hilarious!!! I've been reading your blog for a while, but this is my first comment. It's great to see a little rage (albeit anonymous) coming from the frum community. Hats/shaitels off to you (in the metaphoric sense, of course!)
ByBS"D
ByThat might not be a bad idea, Ba'a'at Teshuva. I wrote a raging post like this (but lacking RenReb's fantastic wit) recently & yes, that single Conservative rabbi can find another way to interact with your husband that isn't so intimate as a chevruta, RenReb.
Despite your hubby being entirely trustworthy, HaRav HaGa'on Chris Rock's statement that, "A man is as faithful as his options", rings all too true. I recommend pepper spray, trip wires & throwing stars...
Repressed Rebel Rebbetzin,
ByI find your comment ignorant and sad. This learned woman who has devoted her life to Judaism and studying to become a Rabbi (that you don't agree with women being Rabbis is not really the point now), wants to learn with a peer who RenReb has assured us, is quite impressive himself in the learning department, and you think she's FLIRTING? Because she's a woman? Because she's single? what? As a single woman who is very successful in a professional field dominated by men, and who has been the victim of similar ignorance, I'm depressed to know women out there have that viewpoint. It's hard enough to deal with the MEN thinking that. Though to be fair, of course it's true that every man I talk to in my profession I DO try to steal from his wife, and the only reason I even got into this profession was to have a chance to flirt with the men. When I say "Hey Phil, do you have that spreadsheet for me?", I'm really saying "Hi Mr. Handsome, want to take me out for a drink, you big strong man?" Please, ladies, let's not be our own worst enemies?
Well, I for one have never met a woman who wasn't flirting with me.
By*oink*
Moishe,
ByI think this entire blog, nay, the entire blogosphere, is a thinly-veiled ruse for all of us ladies to flirt with you.
*batting eyelashes*
Dear Anonymous,
ByPlease let me clarify why I suggested why I did. There is a monumental difference between, "Please pass the spreadsheet," and "Let's have a chavrusa." "Let's have a chavrusa" can only come from an internal place of, "I respect you intellectually, and I'm devoted to the life of the mind, and therefore I respect you in the area most dear to me. And make no mistake, a chavrusa is a type of intimacy, especially for those who care about learning. It creates deep, significant bonds, especially if it's a good one. And also remember, she complained about how she can't find someone to learn with - which I'm sure is true. But it also sends a message, "I think you're cooler than those around you." These are all flashing yellow lights, and I believe caution is appropriate. Chas v'shalom that the Conservative rabbi was trying to steal, seduce, or otherwise dishonor the Rabbi, but sometimes we flirt without meaning to or without realizing we're doing it.
Now if Philette had asked for one, that would be different, because she (probably) isn't attempting a chavrusa as an intellectual equal the same way, but more as a tutorial. Although I would be cautious about Philette spending too much one-on-one time with the Rabbi as well, I'd just, you know, be careful.
Let the record state that I have tremendous respect for any woman who trailblazes into a primarily male field. It takes guts, determination, and probably a lot of qualities and trials that I can only guess at. So I have a lot of respect for your accomplishments in that area.
L'chaim to ALL the sisters,
Repressed Rebel Rebbetzin
Aww, poor RR. The Philettes of the world (and some of the Phils), all wanting her rabbi to rock their world.
ByIt's all right. None of them are a Ren Reb, and therefore are automatically out of their league.
RRR,
ByI appreciate your clarification, but am still bothered by a set of assersions/assumptions you make that I find unfair and not founded in fact. First, your assertion- not that she MIGHT be flirting, and some caution is advised- but she in fact IS flirting, (even if she doesnt know it) and that she in fact IS attracted always and only to a certain type of man, (even if she doesnt know it). And then you assume that the type of intellectual intimacy a chavrusa implies necessarily implies any other type of intimacy, or lets say, an intimacy that is any different from the intimacy shared by a chavrusa of the same gender. Just as with Kol Isha where there is a concept that devarim shebi'kedusha do not cause arousal, mighnt we assume that when this Rabbi-lady thinks of learning Torah, male-female relations are not anywhere near her mind?
My point is, let's say I were a learned Rabbi. And I needed a chavrusa. My goal would be to find someone who was most able to meet me at both my intellectual level and my level of scriptural and halachik knowledge. Now personally, my first thought would not be "and I hope it'll be a woman, because that would be preferred", but let's assume it was. I'd try to find another femal Rabbi with whom to Chavrute, as it were. So I'd look around. And at some point I'd notice the paucity of female scholarship at my level, given my bent towards more Orthodox (or let's even say right-wing Conservative) learning and knowledge, where there are no female rabbis. Then I'd be stuck. Should I HAVE no chavrusa, thus denying myself a fundamental learning tool, such that I would be automatically a lesser rabbi than my peers, simply because I was female? Should I find a SINGLE male rabbi? (Or wouldn't that be more likely to be, on any level, distratcting, than someone who I knew to be married with some variable number of phillies?) OR, should I find someone who I knew to have the qualities and knowledge that I needed in order to have a chavrusa that then puts me on a level playing field and gives me the same advantages as any other rabbi? Of course, said Rabbi world-rocker doesn't have to say YES. He may say no because HE feels uncomfortable or is concerned that his own feelings of intimacy towards me could lead towards the flirty. OK, he has to make that decision for himself. But just because I choose not to automatically seat myself in the back of the bus doesn't make me a FLIRT! It just makes me want to be a good rabbi, who does the same stuff that all the other good rabbis do. Seriously, what do you suggest this woman do? Or is your lack of acceptance of female rabbis clouding your thought process on this?
Not trying to give you a hard time, but this issue really hits me at the core, and I think it's important, my apologies to RenReb is she's not enjoying. So with all do respect...what does she do?
Take the Rabbi that rocks your world on a getaway to a nice hot mineral spring spa. Throw rasberries at all those philettes!!!
ByYou go girl!!!!
Take the Rabbi that rocks your world on a getaway to a nice hot mineral spring spa. Throw rasberries at all those philettes!!!
ByYou go girl!!!!
(This is definitely getting out of hand ... Anyway ...)
ByHey, RenReb, I know that everytime you use the codename you have for me, "cockyhead," that you are actually flirting with me, and yes, I'm flattered. So, RenReb, yes, you have worn me down, and yes, I will be your chavrusa.
;)
MOISHE! She was saving herself for ME! Theif! If I can't have her, no one can!
By*throws head back and laughs manically*
Hmmm... I did an anagram search on "Cockyhead Philette" and it turned up some disturbing revelations:
ByPLOTTED HICKEY ACHE
OH HELP, TACKY DECEIT
THY DATE CHICK ELOPE
THY CATHOLIC PEEKED
then again, it also came up with DO LICK THE EYEPATCH and TCHOTCHKE APE YIELD, so maybe it doesn't mean anything.
Dear Anonymous,
ByYou're right, I made some assumptions, mostly to try to get a laugh out of people. However, I still hold by my assertion that asking for a chavrusa is a flirty thing to do, and should be handled with caution. And yes, I do think a man-woman chavrusa is different than a same-sex chavrusa, for the When Harry Met Sally type reasons.
I have absolutely no idea what Brilliant Conservative rabbi should do. I don't know her or her situation at all.
I don't think it's quite fair that you suggest that my opinion on Conservative rabbis may be affecting my thought process, because that's also a bit of an assumption, but in the spirit of Clal Yisrael I did a little cheshbon hanefesh and discoverd that my negative feelings towards BCR have much more to do with my jealousy of her knowledge than my opposition towards her affiliations. (You'll detect that jealousy in the my first comment.)
I really don't have all, or any answers. I also have trouble finding a good chavrusa.
Repressed Rebel Rebbetzin
Oh my. Lively conversations taking place here.
ByFor the record, I don't think the Conservative rabbi was trying to flirt. She came across as extraordinarily intellectual and serious, and I imagine her thinking was along the lines of Anonymous Spreadsheet Lady's description. However, I have to say that whether or not she was flirting, I wouldn't want my husband spending long periods of time one-on-one with ANY woman, even in a Torah-learning context. I think there's an instinctive level of sensitivity and discomfort prevalent in certain Orthodox circles when it comes to such things, and it's something that's difficult to verbalize, beyond saying that it's too close for comfort. I, for one, think it's just a sensible and wise way for married or otherwise committed people to operate.
In any case, whether she was flirting or not, consciously or subconsciously, my hubby doesn't have time for a chavruta anyway. Funny thing about that. You know how people say school interferes with getting an education? Well, sometimes the rabbinate interferes with learning Torah. Sad, but often true.
Ren Reb, trying to get in touch, please email me. Thanks!
ByRenReb:
Bythat sensitivity you mentioned: um... hi.. it's called yichud. and sometimes that "we-left-the-door-open" thing isn't enough. yes, it is NORMAL for (hetero) men and women to be attracted to each other. that's part of our design. i totally agree with RRR that she may not have been connivingly plotting to seduce your husband, but a chavruta is a bad idea, as by design it is meant to foster an exclusive, intimate bond btwn the learners (i.e. resh lakish and rabbi yochanan).
my question is: RenReb, were you always this insecure in the relationship or is this a recent development? cuz despite the brilliant, witty humour, i'm noticing someone who's looking in the proverbial mirror and feeling like she doesn't measure up. and i can't understand that for the life of me...
"Insecure" would be if the RenReb felt she would lose He Who Rocks Her World to these other people. "Paranoid" is the thought that they are conspiring to steal him away.
ByOn another topic entirely - RenReb, Shmuely Boteach went ahead and wrote the "Men are Pigs" post you've been promising us!
ByIt's on the JPost site - and up on his own site also...
http://www.shmuley.com/articles.php?id=250
First of all, I forgot to address Andrew's comment above: I'm so sorry my mentioning of Dylan's non-Jewish-sounding name felt like I was poking fun at Jews who also have non-Jewish-sounding names. I didn't mean it that way. It just somwhat added to my amusement that this gentleman had a very, very Christian-sounding name (though not necessarily Irish-sounding) to go along with his obvious enthusiasm for the priesthood and his mission. It was just sort of a theatric detail. I didn't mean to pour salt on an already sensitive issue. I'm sorry you take grief from people because of your last name - that's so unfair. Feel free to send them my way, and I'll tell them my husband's name is Christopher Christopholous, and if they don't like it they can get lost.
ByEveryone else: Jeez Louise, people. I am neither actually paranoid that these individuals are trying to steal my husband, nor am I insecure about his love and devotion for me. It was supposed to be a joke. The part that should ring true is the part where I indeed do not feel I measure up to SP's tendency to organize and perform chesed activities, nor to Rabbi XX's Torah knowledge. I don't feel I measure up to those things, hence what I said at the end.
Off to read Shmuley's article - thanks for the link. :-)
OK, sorry all for keeping this going, just feel the need to respond to a couple of things.
ByFirst- RRR, I did not say that you DO have those feelings about Conservative Jews, I suggested it as a possibility. If it came out any other way, I apologize, it was not my intention, I would never claim to KNOW what you think about something, I was just making a suggestion to you that perhaps that was something you might be thinking about. If it doesn't apply, it doesn't.
I find the comment on "for Harry Met Sally Reasons" super frustrating. In other words, because sometimes male-female friendships end up being romantic, we should assume that ALL male-female friendships or other relationships (such as chavrusas) have that potential and we should be worried about it. But I'll let that part go.
Second, I am fully aware that the Rabbi, or RenReb, may not want this to happen, for various reasons, be they Yichud or otherwise. I said clearly that I was not suggestiong that I thought the Rabbi should necessarily say YES. I Just want to make sure that this part of my comments didn't get lost. I was not trying to make a comment to either RenReb or RabbiRenReb that he should react in any particular way to it.
thanks all!
Ren Reb, I don't think you have a thing to worry about. However, this might be a great time to go to some lingerie websites and order yourself something new and yummy that makes you feel like the sultry temptress that I'm sure you are. If you don't need it to win him back from the clutches of his various temptations, you can use it to reward him for all the help he gives you during Pesach cleaning!
ByLingerie? Rebbetzin? !!! DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!! Certain concepts just DON'T go together. First it was "Rebbetzin" and "bedikot" and now this. Boy ... you should meet MY rebbetzin, she ain't no RenReb ...
ByBrilliant post. And very funny. Thank you. (And DO keep your husband away from one-on-one learning with Rabbi XX.)
By*best blog ever*
Byi think this post made my week. i was hysterical the whole way through, and i'm coming back for more!!!!
WHAT A GREAT POST! One of, lulei demistafina, your very best.
ByI'm sure you have nothing to fear from Overeager Chesed Wonder Wench (men aren't that impressed by casseroles); nor would I be threatened by GMAL (it's women who are attracted to men--sometimes--who buy them dinner not vice versa); and Gayson Priestly is no worry (how many kids do you guys have? No Brokeback Shtetl in this rabbinic cowpoke's future).
No, not those three. BUT I'd keep more than one eye on the Conservative Rabbitte; women who can shakla vetarya are HOT. And she was aggressive enough to tell YOU about it first. Don't forget: Where there's a Rabbinic will, there's a Halachic way!
P.S. Do you think she's into Clooney?
Dear RenReb,
ByAndrew again. Thanks for addressing my name comment, and I apologize for the relatively plaintive tone -- I think your post caught me in one of those Searching Moods, during which all sorts of interesting thoughts about Jewish Identity come out.
Most days, I actually enjoy explaining just what the not-Hide-a-Key on my doorpost actually is. I love being Jewish, and most of the people around me have learned to love the fact that I'm Jewish too. (The vegans down the way have even accepted the idea that a kosher-keeping vegetarian can feed their daughter without inflicting any lasting damage.)
I hope you realize that in answering my comment, you emphasized what I said in its first paragraph. It was very kind of you to respond as you did, particularly when it seems pretty obvious -- and I said so in my original comment -- that you meant absolutely no harm by what you wrote in the post.
Not so long ago, you questioned whether blogging like this was good for the Jewish community. You cited anonymity as a major concern. I'm going to say now what I didn't say then: what anonymity?
I don't mean to alarm you, but while you may be anonymous in the literal sense, I don't think you're truly anonymous in any practical sense. You're RenReb, and you've forged a reasonably complete identity as such. Your posts speak to your sensibilities, and as this little dialogue demonstrates, you seem profoundly willing to take responsibility for what you write. Moreover, it seems (judging by Purim satire, etc.) that your readership has a good idea of what it can expect from you (e.g., dollops of brilliance at not-irregular intervals). I think Judaism will manage--somehow--to survive your blog.
Thanks again.
Regards,
Andrew
I was also surprised by the hordes of condemning armchair psychologists in your readership. Anyone who has a spouse who is a HS or college teacher, therapist or is in any sort of position of authority will almost certainly be aware that some, mostly harmless other people have crushes on said spouse. It can be a strange feeling, but hey, there are probably some HS boys in your shul who shouldn't get a chavrusa with you either.
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