Oh, my goodness. I just got off the phone, and I don't believe I've ever laughed so hard in my life. [Ed. note: OK, not "just." But when I started this post, I had "just" gotten off the phone.]

Some background, I think.

Over the years, we've received different types of reactions from people when it comes up in conversation that my husband is a rabbi.

• "Oh!" - with a pleasantly surprised, respectful smile (most often from people who are not Jewish, but also from people who are).
  
• "Oh." - with a slightly wrinkled nose and a look in the eyes that you or I might save for a creature that had just crawled out from under the refrigerator (sadly, this reaction most often comes from people who are Jewish, and usually from the baby boomer generation (don't ask me why, I'm just the eye candy)).
  
• "Oh!" - brightly, and with a superficial smile, in a "well that's ok, I don't see anything wrong with that!" type of voice (this one has been pretty universal).
  
• "A RABBI??? Well, then, here! Have tons of cash and free stuff, ya' Holy Guy!" (ok, that one hasn't happened) (yet) (we do get some free stuff, though - mostly lint rollers from the dry cleaning man - but that's a subject for a different post.)

But until just now, I don't think I've ever gotten one that was essentially chin-dropping (although I couldn't see the person's face), dumbfounded, speechless, wordless, shock.

I'm sitting here minding my own business, trying not to think about the glutinous mass that has formed from the green velvet that until recently was inhabiting my favorite Pesach pot (a pot which, once upon a time, held Pesach pasta - my first mistake) (I referenced the pot here, by the way) (also by the way - I authorized my husband to throw it out, pot and all, and what does he do?? He puts it in the freezer. Don't ask), when suddenly, the phone rings. On the other end is a guy conducting some kind of a survey. Now granted, I usually hang up on such people, but I was feeling both charitable and a need to be important, so I figured heck, why not? And I went for it.

First, he asked me some demographic questions - how old am I, did I go to college, and so forth. Then we talked at some length about survey matters. At the end, he asked some more demographic questions, including my occupation and that of my husband's.

Wondering in a sort of amused, detached way what kind of reaction I would get this time, I said "He's a rabbi," and then I waited.

When nothing but silence followed, I figured he was entering the answer into his computer. But when the silence continued for longer than it should have, I waited another moment, and then I said "Hello?"

I heard a sort of intake of breath.

Survey guy: Really??

RenReb (puzzled): Really what?

(another long pause)

Survey guy (in a subdued, hushed tone): He's a rabbi??

RenReb (somewhat amused): Oh - yes, really.

Survey guy (still hushed and subdued): No kidding?

RenReb (even more amused): Nope, no kidding.

Survey guy (in a voice that spoke of awe, amazement, and still a slight measure of disbelief): He's a rabbi.

RenReb (less amused, begining to wonder whether this person has taken all his medication): Yes, he is.

(another long pause)

Survey guy (total awe and amazement, but in a positive way, as if he'd just witnessed the apocalypse): Well, I'll be!!! I've never heard that one before!!!

So at this point, becoming a bit annoyed, I decided to alleviate my annoyance by cranking it up a notch (why not). No, I didn't say "Well, you've heard it now, buddy, so watch yourself or I'll have him put a curse on you," and I didn't say, "Well, we don't like to publicize it, because then people start asking him to perform miracles, and it gets tiring, healing the sick, saving the poor, walking on water, spinning straw into gold, and so forth" (although I was tempted). I just figured, this guy obviously hasn't encountered a lot of clergy-folk in his life, so perhaps I'll make it an even more "special" experience (like I said, why not).

So the much lamer thing I came up with, on the spur of the moment, was something like this:

RenReb (in a lofty, peaceful tone): Yes, well, there aren't many of us, but we're out there, just doing our jobs, doing God's work, trying to better the world. It's not easy, but it's a calling - our calling - and he is proud to carry his shining torch through all the journeys God sends his way.

(another long pause, during which I wonder if this person is going to remember that he's supposed to be conducting a survey)

Survey guy (gasping): WHOA! Ma'am! That is - is - just - great!!!!!! That's GREAT!!!!

(at this point, I am wondering whether this person is calling from prison, or perhaps from the underground rabbit burrow he lives in with his fish and talking clams)

Survey guy (collecting himself): Well, ok, Mrs. [my last name], just a few more questions, if you don't mind, personality-related, for classification purposes.

He proceeds to ask all kinds of strange things, like on a scale of 1 - 5, how would my best friend rate me in terms of sincerity, spontaneity, and so forth (I have no idea how this helped with classification, nor did I have any clue what my best friend would have said, but after the survey I called one of them and asked her, and it turns out I guessed right). And the final question - whose purpose I have yet to figure out - was as follows:

Survey guy: If you were having a dinner party, and could invite over any person, living or dead, from the past or the present, who would it be, and why?

So this is something I've actually given some thought to over the years, ever since high school, when some friends of mine were applying to Penn and that was one of the essays they had to write. Back in high school, I thought perhaps Rambam (Maimonides), or various others I don't remember now. So I was about to say Maimonides, and I began to get ready to try to explain who he was, but then I thought, "Wait a minute - why stop with Rambam? He said anyone, didn't he?" And I considered the mileage I would get from this person if I chose a different answer.

RenReb: Moses.

I'll leave the rest to your imagination. But I will tell you it was highly satisfying. :-)

(P.S. I think I meant it. I mean, really - who could possibly be a better person to have at a dinner party?? Can you actually imagine such a thing?? (I can't.))

Labels: The Rebbetzinate

This entry was posted on Monday, May 30, 2005 at 5/30/2005 11:30:00 AM.