So, first and foremost - the title "Renegade Rebbetzin."

The title was actually suggested by a very good friend of mine, who at this point is the ONLY person who knows I am doing this, and may very well remain so, if I can help it. I knew right away that the title fit, although I'm not sure exactly why.

I can give the slap-dash answer that comes to mind immediately, I'm sure - that the title is my answer to/rebellion against the very term "Rebbetzin."

I can't say that my objections to the title "Rebbetzin" are primarily what I would call the "traditional" (or obvious) ones - by which I mean the ones presented to me by one woman who is a Reform Jewish distant cousin, another who is an Orthodox women's tefillah group leader, and several others as well - namely, that first of all I do not want to be "defined" by my husband's profession, and that second of all, the term "rebbetzin" tends to bring to mind, in some circles, a kugel-baking, European-accented "baby machine" who has not been to college, does not wish to work outside the home, and in life seeks solely to serve, to empathize, and to be an appendage to her husband.

Baruch Hashem I do have children, but I am no more a "baby machine" than any other creature with a uterus. I am extremely well educated (although it doesn't always show), I have been employed on and off outside the home, I know how to make a total of one type of kugel, I have never been to Europe except on the way to Israel, and if there is any appendage in this marriage, it is certainly not me. I do serve occasionally and I certainly try to empathize, but I also play a lot of basketball (in "rebbetzin-wear," of course), and my husband serves as well.

My personal truth, however, is that I don't object to the term "rebbetzin" because of that stereotype. For one thing, I don't believe that most people outside the "hareidi" world do automatically view "rebbetzins" that way. Certainly no Modern Orthodox Jew I've ever met necessarily associates the term with that image, and even if they did, one look at me would be enough to disavow them of it. And for another thing, I'm not even sure how much I object to the stereotype itself. I actually believe that like most things from the "old world," the rebbetzin image has a necessary, and critical, place in our collective consciousness. Whether or not I am that person, I am honored and humbled to have come from such a place, and if the title "rebbetzin" helps us as a people to maintain a sense of where we have come from and what we have lost, then so be it, and I shall carry it as my badge of honor.

WOW, that was almost corny enough to be the blurb on an Artscroll "Rebbetzin How-To Guide." Back to renegade.

I suppose, then, if I had to choose, the first objection - the objection to my being "defined" by my husband's profession - comes closer to any reason I have for being called a "renegade." I don't like assumptions being tagged on to me because my husband happens to be employed in a certain field, and although I chose him and I chose this life proudly, I am often irritated by the judgments and by the limitations imposed upon me by what, when it comes down to it, is his occupation of choice.

I don't mind some of the assumptions - that, for example, I share with my husband a tendency to focus on spiritual, rather than on temporal, aspects of life. The problem I have is when people assume that I am more spiritually-focused than women who happen to be married to doctors or lawyers, or indeed, than the doctors or lawyers themselves. They would have my permission to assume that if I were the rabbi, but I'm not, so really, all my husband's profession says about me is that I am supportive enough of the profession to have chosen a mate who is engaged in it.

In other words, I don't mind people assuming that I take my frumkeit seriously, but I don't want them to assume I'm better at it, or more serious about it, than anyone else.

I also don't want people to assume that my being a "rebbetzin" means that I myself am "employed," albeit unofficially, by the shul. A friend shared with me some postings to a rebbetzin message board (more on that in the future, believe me) wherein some women spoke of their shuls as though they were their children. (One person even said her "biggest challenge" as a rebbetzin was deciding whether to quit her job so she could devote more time to the shul! I mean really, how good IS her husband's salary, and if it's that good, is he retiring any time soon??) I consider myself a devoted shul member, and I donate my time and my talents when I can, but no more so than countless others, and much less so than any of the board members.

All that (and other things that I'm too tired to verbalize right now) aside, I think the main reason to call me a "renegade" may actually be the fact that I DON'T fit any of the stereotypes. I not only watch plenty of television, but I bought "Pirates of the Carribean" just so I could drool over the Johnny Depp/Orlando Bloom fencing scene as often as possible (and sometimes, I even do so while I'm making kugel). I think "Will and Grace" is hilarious - sickeningly inappropriate, yes, but hilarious - and I find Russell Crowe to be the sexiest thing on two legs since the untimely demise of Cary Grant. I have no interest in reading Strive for Truth, I far prefer Hedge of Roses to The Secret of Jewish Femininity, and the Chafetz Chaim Heritage Foundation videos bore me to tears. I find going to the mikveh to be a pain in the neck, and hilchot niddah in general to be annoying and blown out of proportion - no matter how much it may enhance my marriage (and I do believe it does).

That being said, I do cry on Yom Kippur, and sometimes I cry when daavening on a regular day. I feel God's presence in my life at every moment I try (although I definitely don't try often enough), and raising my children to serve Hashem as b'nei and b'not Torah is the only wish I have in life. I believe I attempt, though certainly not always succesfully, to follow every last letter of halacha that is known to me, whether I agree with it or not, and I accept with love and without hesitation those halachot and minhagim that are perceived by others to be degrading or otherwise offensive to women. Music by Avraham Fried and MBD takes me on spiritual highs normally associated with seminary girls, and lighting Shabbos candles is, to me, the be all and end all of Jewish womanhood.

If you find any of this to be too self-contradictory to exist within one person, then you have my blessing and my permission to ignore this blog. But if it entertains or rings true with you, then please - join my kugel-bereft "rebbetzin" home, and rebel and be renegade with me.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 20, 2004 at 9/20/2004 04:00:00 PM.